Ruthless

Gentle

Ameto feels Laito's hand touch his neck. "What are you doing?" He sleepily asks him and grabs his wrist. Laito kisses his fingers and he promptly sits up. "What are you doing?!" "You can keep lying down." His eyes widen. "What?!" The older one pushes him down onto the bed. "No, this isn't what we agreed on!" His arms shake as he tries to push him away. "You're not even trying!" He laughs. His hand softly caresses his cheek. "Relax." Ameto coves his face with his arms. "N-No!" Laito's hand gently grabs his wrist. "Stop... t-that isn't... you can't! Ah..!" He sighs and his finger carefully touches the reddened wounds where he bit Ameto yesterday. "You know these won't heal as fast as other wounds, so just let me apply some medicine. And stop covering your face, it's not like I'm doing something bad to you." With these words he pulls his arm down and exposes his burning red face. "What, is this embarrassing to you?" He chuckles. Ameto bites his tongue and turns his head away. "That's cute... just try to enjoy this special service from me, okay?" How could I?! A bit later he sits in his armchair while hugging a big pillow. "Ameto?" He hides his face behind the pillow. "Go away." His steps approach and his hand touches his shoulder. He shakes it off. "Go away!" He doesn't leave. "Leave, Laito." Leave me in peace. Again he touches his shoulder. Ameto jumps up and gets a bit of distance between them. "Get out!" He doesn't move. "You gave up your freedom, did you forget?" His tense shoulders fall down. "No." Laito comes over to him. "Then why are you acting like this?" He reaches for his wrist, but Ameto evades his touch. "Don't touch me!" His wide eyes stare at him and he fights to keep them dry. "You said you wouldn't do it." He accidentally let go of the pillow and it falls down with a dull thump. His arms hug his body. His hair falls into his face as he lowers his head. Just leave me! He closes his eyes and staggers backwards as tears drop down. Laito's hand rubs his head before he pulls him into his embrace. "I hate you. I fucking hate you Laito." His hands cling to the fabric of his dress shirt. I can't do it. "Don't touch me like that." "Ameto."He rests his head against Laito's chest. "How did it feel? Was it bad or good?" He listens to his calm voice and answers him in a displeased manner. "It felt g-good..." Laito grabs his shoulders and holds him at an arms length. "But if you liked it, why can't I do it then?" He seems suprised. "I didn't like it!" There were numerous days where I sat at the window and only thought about jumping. But I never did because deep inside of me I believe that I don't have the right to decide whether I get to live or die. Right now I need someone to hurt me. When I feel the pain, I feel my body and the life, that always seems like an illusion, a movie rolling in front of my disembodied eyes. But that doesn't improve anything. It makes everything more burdensome because it means that everything is real, I exist and I'm still alive. And I can't die. Because everything is meaningless. And I don't want to play this play until the curtain falls. Because no one wants to see this play. And I can't endue it anymore. Because I wish I was someone else at another place and time. Only you can give me peace. Only your words can calm me. Only your hand can embrace me like this. Only the gaze of your eyes makes me wish this world was real. Only your existence makes my existence meaningful. I'm so thankful for that. So much that it hurts. And I hate you so much because of that. Without you I could kill myself. Without you I wouldn't be here. Without you I would have led an different life. I would be dead already. Why don't you kill me? Why? Why does it hurt that much to be with you? Why does it hurt so much when I imagine a world without you? Why does it hurt to know you? Why does it hurt to think about you, if you're not with me, when you hold me in your arms and when you hurt me? That why... don't touch me like that. So lovingly and gentle. So soft and affectionate. Makes me want to vomit.