Royally Falling

~ 17 ~

"Our thing progresses, I call and you come through
Blow all my friendships to sit in hell with you
But we're the greatest, they'll hang us in the Louvre
Down the back, but who cares, still the Louvre"
The Louvre - Lorde

oOoOo

The middle of December brings the end of the fall semester and finals. It feels like midterms were just days ago. I can't believe how fast this term has flown by.

Blair and I had plans to go Christmas shopping, but I canceled our plans because Kaden wanted to come over to study for our history final.

I feel a little guilty, but Blair and I can go shopping later.

It's sad to think that the only class Kaden and I have together will be over soon. I don't know my schedule for next semester, but there's a good chance we won't have any classes together.

Ever since the pep talk Grace gave me last weekend, I have been preparing my little speech to Kaden. I have finally decided on coming clean today. I had a lot of opportunities to talk to him throughout the week, but I didn't think it would be a good idea to drop the bomb in a public space.

So, I invited him over to study with the intent of having a serious talk.

My phone rings.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Just got here. Can you some and let me up?" Kaden says.

"Yeah, I'll be downstairs in a minute."

I grab my keys and hop in the elevator. When I arrive in the lobby, Kaden is waiting by the elevator. He follows me and we head upstairs.

"Missed you today," Kaden says, embracing me. He wasn't in history today, so we haven't seen each other since yesterday.

"Missed you too," I respond, relaxing into his arms.

I can already feel my resolve melting away like an ice cube.

"Let's go to the kitchen. I got snacks ready." He grabs my hand as I walk him into the kitchen.

We sit down at the island. As Kaden opens his backpack to take out his notes and laptop, I quickly run through my pre-planned talking points in my head.

a. Tell him I haven't been entirely honest.
b. Say I didn't mean to hurt him.
c. Explain everything, without omitting any details.
d. Say I value his friendship and hope we can still be friends.

Easy, right?

Then why am I sitting here with my mouth open, with no words coming out?

"Are you okay?" He asks me, concern etched on his face.

Okay, here goes nothing.

"No I'm not," I begin, sucking in a sharp breath.

"Are you not feeling well? We can do something other than studying if you need to."

Ugh, his cuteness is not making this any easier.

I shake my head, clearing it.

"Actually, I'm fine now. I was just a little dizzy," I lie, too chicken-shit to say what I desperately need to.

"Okay, let me know if you need anything," he says before turning back to his computer.

He is just so nice. How am I supposed to tear out his heart? He deserves so much better than me, but I still can't bring myself to end this. I'm too selfish.