The Art of Existing

Chapter one

*Not Edited*

I saw him enter through my bedroom door. well I didn't exactly see him. All I could see was his body and hair, but his face was hazy. I had no motivation to move so as he approached me I continued to lay on my bed in a ball position. For some reason I knew he wasn't going to hurt me and for some reason my body started to relax. I felt the bed dip as he came up behind me and placed his arm around my waist and pulled me until my back was against his chest. I don't remember how long he held me until I fell into a deep sleep.

When I woke up I didn't know what to think. The last time I had a dream like that was when I was in 6th grade. I was sleeping with my back against the wall and I felt an arm go over me, but when I turned around to see who it was, no one was there. I'm not going to lie and say that my dream last night didn't help me.

The past few weeks I have felt really alone and have hardly left my dorm for anything other than my classes. I know it's not healthy to live like that but I've never been good at making friends and being in a completely new town doesn't help. It's probably fucked up that I dream of someone comforting me, but I'm 18 and have never had any physical affection from anyone. The only person who showed any romantic affection went back to his ex and didn't even tell me.

I took in a deep breath and made my way to the bathroom to get ready for my class. Since my classes are in the morning I normally just wear jeans and an oversized long sleeve shirt, let's be honest, that's all I really wear anyways. When I lived with my parents my mom always hated that I would steal my dad's clothes because he wears a 2x and I only wear mediums, but what can I say, I have too many insecurities. I pulled on some black ripped jeans and an XL sweatshirt with my university logo on it.

I run a brush through my long dark brown hair then rub my towel through the length of my hair. My mom hates it when I don't dry my hair but the hair dryer makes too much noise so I prefer to air dry my hair. It's not that loud noises disturb me, I just don't want to be too loud and disturb my neighbors. I take a look at myself in the mirror and even though I look like death, I don't have the motivation to put makeup on. I look at my phone for the time and see that it's 8:07 so I decide to go ahead and walk to my lecture. The walk is about 10 to 15 minutes and my lecture starts at 8:30am.

When I arrive the room is empty so I go to my preferred seat in the front corner and read on my phone until class starts. Since this is my first year in college, all freshmen have to attend a first year seminar which is basically a class to form study groups and get more involved on the campus. What I wasn't prepared for was for all the presentations that I was told we were going to have to do throughout the semester. Classes started about two weeks ago and I can tell my Professor knows that I tend to keep to myself. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Once my seminar ended I went to math and then to my political science class. I didn't talk to anyone for the whole day and I'm ok with that, however this is my 6th day without talking and I feel like all of my classmates think I'm mute. It doesn't help that I sure use sign language to say simple words like thank you, sorry, yes and no. I finish my classes around 1:45 and I don't really want to head back to my dorm so I decided to make my way to Starbucks on campus to get a coffee. When I receive my order, I go to the outside sitting area and pull out my laptop to start my homework.

As I am working out the problems for my Macroeconomics lecture, my thoughts travel back to the dream I had last night. I know I should tell someone about them, but they are just going to think I'm losing my mind more than I already have. I just can't help thinking about the dream because it gives me a sense of comfort. Even though I know it's something I made up in my head, It makes me feel like I actually mean something to someone. That's really all I want to feel.

After I finished my homework, I decided it was finally time to head back to my dorm. I pack up my laptop and pull out the lanyard that has my dorm key and my car keys and wrap them around my wrist. Once I open the door to my dorm I drop everything on the floor and go straight for my bed and stare at my ceiling. I'm not sure how long I laid there, but I was broken out of my trance when my phone started to ring. I checked the time before I answered the call, it was already 8:30pm. Damn.

The call was from my best friend Heather who is now 8 hours away due to her college choice.

"Hello?"

"Hey Col! Guess what?"

"What?"

"Calum and I met a new friend! Dan say hi!"

I could hear a voice in the background say a deep 'hi' and then Calums high pitch voice in the background yelling 'Hi Collins! I love you!' Heather's roommate is a girl who was our friend through high school.

"Hi Dan and I love you too Calum." I said into the phone in the most enthusiastic voice I could conjure. "Hey Heather, can I tell you something?"

Heather was talking to Dan and Calum in the background for a minute until she answered me.

"Yeah of course!" she said. I could tell she was distracted and I didn't want to keep her on the phone if she was hanging out with people so I decided to hold back on telling her about the dream.

"Actually never mind, go hang out with your in-person friends and I can tell you later." I kept my voice in a normal tone so that she would know that I was ok.

"Ok I'll talk to you later. Bye, I love you."

"Love you too." I said as I hung up the phone. I'm glad she's making new friends, she's never had trouble in that department. I just hope that she wont forget me as she makes new friends. I laid back down and let the silence consume me until I fell asleep. This is how I have been living since I moved for school. I only hope it gets better.