Field Investigations

Chapter 20: Between Lie and Truth

As we stepped into the elevator, I noticed that the décor had changed from earlier. A few hours ago when I'd been in the elevator, the walls had been made of the same, metallic material as the doors. Now, though, the walls were velvety, made of the same material as the purple carpet that covered the hallway outside. The color was different, too. I didn't remember the exact shade of silver the elevator had been before, but I was sure it was nothing like the bright shade of yellow that was splashed over every surface of the elevator. Was this a different elevator than the one I had been in, or was I just not remembering right?

So much had happened since I'd been on the bus. It had probably only been a few hours since I arrived, but it felt like much longer. How long had it been since I'd been in my room? An hour? Wait - wasn't the man from earlier going to go over to my room to bring me to dinner? If I wasn't there, he would start getting suspicious, and it would only be a matter of time before he found out about the "ambassador" that was staying in the wrong place and looked nothing like the real one. Was there any way I could leave discreetly? I needed some sort of excuse so that they wouldn't be suspicious.

Maybe I could say that I just remembered I had an important meeting to get to. That would be easy for them to disprove, though, and realize I was lying. And anyway, if I had a meeting, why wouldn't I have told them so earlier? Could I say that I needed to use the bathroom? They'd expect me to meet back up with them afterwards, though, right? Maybe the best course of action was to do nothing and hope that John didn't come by my room after all. There was a chance he wouldn't, right? I twisted my hair around my finger.

Jack tapped his foot on the floor. "So, how long are you going to be here for?" he asked.

"Umm..." What should I say? "A while," I told him. "I'm not sure exactly how long yet." That seemed truer than it would've been earlier. I was starting to see that things were more complicated than I thought. With the whole ambassador situation, it would probably take me a longer time to get out of this place than I'd thought.

And maybe I was starting to like it here. Now that I met Jack... he genuinely seemed like a friend. He wasn't much older than I was; he would've fit in just fine at Washington High School. But he was nicer then the people there were, or at least he was nicer to me. He didn't know who I really was, though. Maybe he was only treating me this way because he thought I was a high-ranking member of the AFS. Maybe if he knew that I was just a new recruit here, he'd be acting the same way Kenna, Douglas and John had.

I wished that I was really the ambassador from Brazil, that I could be here, having this conversation without needing to watch my every word, telling the truth instead of carefully constructing those vague answers; not lies but not truths either. I wasn't the ambassador from Brazil, though, and I would never be the ambassador from Brazil. Not if I stayed here my entire life.

"I don't know if you're allowed to answer this," he began, "but why are you here?"

At least this question was easier to answer. "You're right," I said. "I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to give you an answer. I wish I could." And I did. I wished I could tell him the answer to that question. We were in the same situation, him and I, not getting answers from anyone. And I was only contributing to that now. Also, if I could tell him the answer then I could know it myself, and if I knew why the real ambassador was here, then I'd have a much easier time of pretending to be her.

I laughed under my breath. Less than an hour ago, I had been telling myself not to pretend that I was the ambassador, that I would probably be caught and it wouldn't be worth it. And here I was, knee-deep in this lie with no easy way out. I should be upset at myself. I let myself get caught up in this ambassador mess, and now the situation was getting pretty complicated. I wasn't, though. Even with all of the stress, this was the first time since I was kidnapped that I'd gotten to really talk about myself and how I felt, even if I couldn't say everything I wanted to. I was right earlier that I'd probably be caught, but I was wrong when I thought that it wouldn't be worth it.

"That's alright," he said, his face falling a little. "Hey, this might seem like a strange question, but... what was your life like before?"

This was a question I could answer honestly. "It was... alright," I told him, thinking about what I should say. "I was on a swimming team at the YMCA near my house. I liked that. And I liked spending time with my brother. I missed my old life a lot when I was brought to the AFS, and I thought I'd leave as soon as I could. But then... I talked to someone. I realized maybe I wanted to stay."

Until this moment, I hadn't really given voice to that thought. Now, though, my mind felt much clearer, more open. I didn't want to want to stay, but now that I met Jack, I wanted to stay anyway.

That was the problem with leaving a place. You say goodbye to your family, your friends, or maybe you don't even get the chance. And you think that maybe you'll be able to go back, but you can't. Not without leaving again, saying goodbye to another world.

You can't miss a person you've never met, but once you meet them, your life can't just go back to the way it was before once they're gone.