Field Investigations

Chapter 25:

Come on, Isa, I told myself. You're fine. You've been in this kind of situation before. Just relax and wait it out. They'll forget you're even there in a second.

Another voice came up into my head, though. One I don't usually hear.

Even if you didn't want them to notice you, Isa, it argued, now that you have, you might as well make the best of the situation. Talk, join the conversation, be noticed for something good. You don't know why you're here, but the best way to find out is by being a part of this conversation.

I don't need to talk to listen to their discussion, the first voice shot back, and I don't see how pizza is all that important right now. Oh, wait - I forgot to grab food. There: the perfect excuse to get up.

I considered my options for a second. While I was alright with the second voice's sentiment, I far preferred the first voice's idea when it came to actually having to act on something.

"Um... I forgot to grab food," I mumbled, a lot less confidently than I had hoped. I had a headache. Maybe it was the light that spread so evenly across the room, messing with my senses with the absence of shadow. Or maybe I was just nervous about being around all those other kids. Probably the latter, or a combination of the two.

"Huh?" the boy sitting across from me turned to the boy next to him, his dark brown eyebrows raised in confusion. "Did you hear what she said?" I heard him whisper.

"I - I said that..." What had I said? Oh, yes, food. "I forgot to grab food," I said, more loudly this time.

"Oh," the boy responded skeptically, looking back down at his plate. The table was silent as I stood, awkwardly pulling my foot through the gap between the bench and the table. Once I had walked a few feet away, I heard them return to loud conversation. I stared at the linoleum floor, wishing I could sink down through it.

I sighed, twisting my hair around my finger. The second voice was definitely wrong. I was lucky I'd listened to the first one and left sooner. I couldn't return to that table. Of that, I was certain. The question was, where should I go instead?

Before that, though, I needed to grab some food. After a couple of minutes of wandering around the room, I made my way to the buffet line, taking two slices of pizza and a glass of apple juice.

Next, it was time to answer that question. I scanned the room, looking for the safest spot. After that last table I'd sat at, though, I wasn't inclined to want to try a different one. I took a deep breath, making my way to Andrea's table.

You don't have the energy to look for a new table to sit at, I told myself, trying to reassure myself that I was making the right decision. At least you know what to expect from her, anyway. You already met her. And she seemed like the kind of person who wouldn't mind ignoring you, anyway. I laughed in spite of myself.

Hold on, another voice in my head urged. You shouldn't switch tables. Go back to where you were sitting before. Nobody there was mean, right? Sure, they looked at you for two seconds, but that's not exactly unusual behavior when you meet someone new. Maybe they're actually nice, and you just haven't given them enough of a chance.

I scowled. The last thing I needed right then was more doubt. I'd made a decision, and I wouldn't let myself second-guess it. I was already a few feet away from the table, anyway. The woman seemed to have already noticed me, and I saw her nudging the girl next to her and whispering something to her. It was too late for me to turn back.