The Angel Seed

What About Angels

That night Dean had tucked Castiel into bed and walked over to the guest bedroom, though the girls knew that Castiel was a hidden guest in the house still ­­ he gave Castiel his peace and quiet. Walking to his room he left the door open a crack and sat on his bed, the lamp over by the bed illuminating the room in a warm glow. He looked to the window where the stars shined in like a search light, but kind and holding when he stepped into the light. He leaned against the window, closing his eyes gently.

He sighed, "What do I do?" He asked, no one in particular. "What do I do if they find out everything?" Slow creeping eyes looking into the room, listening ears and watching eyes as they caught Dean's figure by the window. "What did I do to deserve this weight?" He asked dropping his eyes. "If I hadn't known better I would say this was a punishment a " He mumbled on, "But why me? Why do I have to carry everything? I don't deserve this punishment." Silence grew deaf in his voice.

"I look into the mirror every day and I hate what I see, more and more. I hate myself for the choices I've made. I'm not a life worth saving." He said looking out the window to the stars, "I don't dream anymore. Everything I once had is torn from me, I can't think of what to do anymore. All my life I've watched everyone and not one has watched me." He mumbled on, looking at the ground. "I'm nothing but a good soldier, and my father ­­ my father is dying. He doesn't care whether he lives or dies, so why shouldn't I?"

The shadow behind the door stared. "He let my mother die. He couldn't protect his own family, I was always there to take care of what he couldn't." He scoffed, "I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of this." He looked down at the ground in sorrow, and blink several times. Tears welling in his eyes, "And every one else? They're innocent. They don't deserve to have this weight, give it to. Give it all to me, though I can't take the weight I'll take all of it. All of them don't deserve to feel what I feel because I let them think that they care for me and not the other way around. Jo and Ellen. They're kind to me because they know I'm hurting, they can see it. Telling me that I have to see my father one last time, that I have to say goodbye but I keep denying that fact that he's dying."

He swayed his head. "He can't be dying. He's always been strong, eve when he was torn and bleeding ­­ he was always the strongest to carry everyone. And I hate him for that. That he carried this heavy weight and moved on like nothing happened, if he lost someone dear to him he wouldn't care but he'd just pull up a mask and smile because he's hiding his pain." He wiped his eye with the tips of his fingers, "And I'm like him. I hate myself for that."

The hiding shadow pulled back from the door, hearing the secrets of someone else. They walked away and went to bed, even if they worried that the other was suffering ­­ because Castiel knew everything would be alright, Dean would find a way.