Missing Chances

Kabanata 17

Trigger warning: Sensitive content below. Please beware.

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Kabanata 17

WHY does some lessons have to be learned the hard way? Bakit kaya may mga bagay na pilit mong ipinaglalaban pero sa huli'y ikaw pa rin ang magiging talunan?

Why life is so unfair?

I was breathing but I think I felt more like a dead man walking. Tila lumulutang na sa ere at wala sa sarili, nakatulala ako sa gilid ng kama ko at halos tagusan na ang tingin sa pader.

Tears are continuously falling down my cheek at pakiramdam ko'y tila namamanhid na ako sa sakit na nararamdaman.

My father hated me, my family was disappointed in me, and the man I loved fooled me. I promised not to take any chances in love again but with him, I risked my heart again, only to get hurt in return.

I was fucking stupid.

Nagmahal lang naman ako... bakit kailangang ganitong sakit ang matanggap ko mula sa pagmamahal na 'to?

My phone kept on ringing inside my bag but I didn't even look at it to check, wala akong lakas na gumalaw at gustong mawala na lang. All my life, I never thought I would feel something as excruciating as this.

All my life, I think I've been good, may mga kamalian man pero walang sinaktan na tao kaya pakiramdam ko ay ang unfair at sama sa akin ng tadhana at nasasaktan ako ng ganito.

I sighed hard, still sobbing. Iritado kong hinahawi ang mga pesteng luha na nahuhulog sa aking pisngi pero hindi ito matigil-tigil.

"C-calm down... please," I whispered to myself and smacked my aching chest. "P-please stop hurting..."

But it didn't. Ang sakit ay mas lalong lumala at kulang na lang ay mamanhid ako roon.

There are tiny pricks of needle piercing inside my chest, wounding me open.

Para akong bulkang sasabog. Gusto kong ilabas lahat-lahat, gusto kong mawala ang bigat kaya sumigaw na ako. I stood from my bed, kicking everything in my sight while screaming my heart out. At this moment, I was thankful my unit is soundproof because no one would hear me this desperate to let go of the pain.

I can hear the faint sound of barks outside my room but I cared less, ang atensyon ko ay nasa paghawi ng aking mga gamit. I let my frustrations out by screaming and slamming my tables.

"I-I hate you, I hate you!" I screamed loudly and kicked the small table near me.

My room is a mess but I felt like it was still not enough, bumagsak ako ng upo sa lapag katabi ng mga bumagsak na mga gamit. I lowered my head, fisted my hair and sobbed, niyakap ko ang binti ko at humagulgol ng iyak.

I couldn't explain how much it hurts, halos malasahan ko na ang metal na lasa ng dugo dahil sa mariing kagat ko sa labi.

Do I really deserve this kind of pain?

I didn't listen to my father and instead, I tried aiming high despite his warnings. My trust in our love is so bright it melted the wax on my wings that in the end, I ended up falling with no one below to catch me.

I was an idiot. I believed him. I was blind and naive. I was a fool.

The things I fucked up assaulted my head like hailstorm, unstoppable and loud.

On how I messed with my family, how I fucked everything up, how I fought with them to fight for this stupid fucking feelings!

Hindi pa ako natuto! Ang bobo-bobo ko!