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We all dog piled into the car and I got stuck between the troll named Zoe and the gorgeous Ace. My Aunt drove and Ma was in the passenger seat. Grandma didn't want to come. She insisted on staying on her corner, trying to lure some business in.
She asked to borrow my fishnet stockings. I said yes but I sure wish I hadn't. Her skin was bursting out of it. You could literally see her flabby skin seeping through the open holes. She asked to borrow my flats. Again I had said yes, and again I wish I hadn't. She looked like she outgrew them years ago because the top of her feet were bursting out of the tiny dainty shoe. You could see the ash marks all on her feet. Now, thats a clear sign that she shouldn't be wearing that. Does that stop her? No.
She put on a half- shirt exposing all of her streach marks. Finally, she put her hair up in pigtails. Pigtails! A 63 year old woman wearing pigtails.
She even had the nerve to curl them leaving a burnt smell in our house.
She used purple ish blush and dark blue lipstick. She looked torn up from head to toe, lookin like a lost child. On top of that, she didn't even have on a bra, claiming like the men liked it loose. For all she was concerned, she had on a fresh pair of granny panties so she was good to go.
What has this world come to?
I think im gonna cry.
'IM TOO SEXY FOR MYSELF. TOO SEXY FOR MY SELF' She shouted stomping around the coffee table making dust rise up. Creating all that noise banging two pots together as her head was thrown back in joyful abandon. She put baby powder in her undies powdering the pooch. So everytime she stomped, a puff of white would rise up into the air
'IM TO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT! SO SEXY IT HURTS!
'WHOSE YOUR DAYYY?!?!'
She suddently stopped carrying on and a serious look appeared on her face.
'Did you know I was born a man?'
Time stopped. I knew it. I thought then bursted into laughter.
'Oh you children!' She exclaimed. 'I'm just messin with ya.' Or not.
She grinned and carried on with her pot banging. Two more loops then out the door. She better stop before she gets shot up and our pots get stolen. Yup, that's the kind of place that I live in, where somebody would rob an old lady for pots. The struggle.
But nobod knows that my grandma could actually whoop somebody's ass in a fight. I didn't notice I was giggling until Ace nudged my knee with his, giving me an amused smile. Boy does this dude smile alot...
Five minutes and a second later, we have arrived at my Aunt's house. After the many days and the many nights of jumping, limping, and crawling, going from deserts to oceand to mountains then back to deserts again, we've finally reached more desert. Then after that, we've reached this here were house. Were all tired, and thirsty and stinky.. and dirty.. and .. itchy?.. *scratch scratch*. We have arrived by the skin of our teeth and were exausted-'
'Actually, I'm fine' Ace said between breaths of laughter.
'Did any one wver tell you that you're freaking hilarious?' he said
'Weeeeeeeell. (Well) a couple of times' I said streaching out the 'e' and grinning.
'Weeeeeeell. They're right' He said streaching out the word like I had just done.
By that time, I'm sure I looked like the Grinch Who Just Stole Christmas. I was smiling so wide I thought my cheeks would just explode into a bunch of mini smiles and rainbows with glitter everywhere even getting into your eyeball :).
'Alright kids, into the pool!' Aunt Jodie said.
I leaned over Ace and pressed my face against the window. My face was a mirror of awe. This house was huge! Ooh! I can see the pool. Its so close! and shiny! Just kidding it wasn't shiny.. But I am attracted to shiny objects.
Zoe excitedly grabbed Ace's hand and hauled hum out of the car like a sack of potatoes. She then turned to me. Uh oh..
She made sure she got a good grip on my hand.
'Jeez no need to man handle me!' I said glaring at her. I looked over to Ace as he tried to hold back a laugh.
She then proceeded to yank me up. I then smashed into her. She shrieked and then pushed me off forcefully. Now that was just uncalled for. I crashed into the nearest think beside me which just happened to be Ace. Poor Ace.
I let out a war cry as we both tumbled down into the pool. I guess Zoe was jealous of something because she huffed and puffed then lowered herself down to the ground and purpousely rolled down the hill after us.
Which was really stupid.
She was gaining on us and we've almost reached the pool after crashing through tables and chairs. I continued shouting out my manly war cry. I saw a pair of eyes peeking over the top of the pool then two pigtails. Grandma? The eyes dissapeared confirming my suspicion. We finally reached the pool and I heard my grandmother laughing at me.
My head went under water and when I came back up, sputtering and gasping, I saw my grandmother appear from behind a tree with my fishnets on over a red thong, she was laughing like there was no tomrrow, finally finally bursting out of my only good good pair of fishnet stockings, I liked those stockings!
Ace grabbed my waist causing me to tumble back into the water again. The last thing I saw was grandma standing over us, her legs spread shoulder width apart, and her hands on her hips looking down on us. She then ran over on the side of the house then climbed halfway up, slid down about two inched into a bush then scrambled back up again.
I went under again then I came back uo to a horrfying sight. On the roof cackling and pointing her pudgy little dirty finger nail at us was none other than grammy dearest. She had nothing on but a red thong on and a blue bandana for a top. Oh, the horror!...
'I can't swim'!! I said spitting out water. Ace's hand immediately went around me, holding me up for support. I clung to him, scared of sinking in this 6 feet pool. I'm 5 foot 1 and a half inch. Yes i'm short, fun sized, vertically challenged.
'Eww thats so nasty' Zoe said.
Sooo... shes worrying about the cleanliness of the water while im over here drowning... okaaayy..
At least I had Ace.
Family. Can't live with him can't live without.
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Unedited will upload soon. Computers dying have to make this short. Vote fan comment im lazy buh byee :)
