- Adrenaline -

Chapter 4: Vergissing.

     Does it have to be today? Does it have to be so soon? I wish I could just forget about it, but I know better than that. I know that the longer I go without answers, the more it's going to drive me crazy.
     I text my mom during fourth period Art with Mr. Monet. I've always been inspired by his work. Kinda funny, huh?
     I didn't even wait for a response. All I said in the message was 'Hi, mom, I'm gonna be coming home late today. Project.' And immediately turned off my phone. I didn't want to hear anything following that, it would just make me more anxious.
     Five minutes before class ends, and Mr. Monet is having us all take turns washing the brushes off in the sink, putting our things away, and hanging our items in specific spots depending on what they were. Clay items are placed on trays, all oil paintings must be kept in the classroom on the far left where they can all hang on a wall for curation. Acrylics and watercolors on the right. I always take my paintings home with me. I place my brushes in a plastic bag and put them as well as whatever I had been working on at the time into my satchel, before swinging my backpack on and layering myself with my bag, as if it were armor and I was desperate for it's protection.

     Joan waiting for me by my locker, which I really only use to hold separate textbooks that I need for other classes, or my lunch for that day. She promised me that she would go with me to the Grassy Knoll. Joans better at picking up social cues than I am, so she'll be able to tell me when would be the best time to strike.
     Part of me feels like it really isn't a big deal, but I know myself better than that. I know it's just my head trying to convince me out of doing something because I'm scared. And it doesn't even have to be confrontational! Just a simple nice party in passing and a quick glance in his direction, theoretically, should jog his memory. John loves telling stories, so if he does remember anything, whatever he says will give Joan and I enough context to determine what really happened.

     4:14 pm, the Grassy Knoll. Everyone in Exclamation! loves this place. It's a lovely little diner, with great burgers and milkshakes. Lots of adults love the bar, so someone's always sitting up on the stools near the front. The rest of us just settle for a booth or hang out near the jukebox waiting to toss a quarter into nostalgia pond. Joan parks on the side- it's funny how school only just got out and it's already filling up.
     We sit next to the jukebox, where no one can hear us but we can hear them. It's a nice distribution of noise and privacy. Three booths down is John, Cleo, and good ole Ponce. They all seem to be having a good conversation. John and Cleo are sharing a milkshake. It must be nice to have someone you love...
     "So, uh, what's the plan again?"
     Joan gives me a certain type of look- the kind a teacher gives you when you just learned a subject and you're already asking what the hell just happened.
     "Wait for them to get into their food. They'll be distracted, it's a good chance to hear the truth when you need it. I'll give you some trash, you walk by, toss it out, and on your way back, compliment Jack on his party. Then, report back to me to tell me what happened."
     I nod. It sounds easy enough. I'm not used to doing things like this- being all sneaky and such. Going to that party was such a mistake. I've never drank before, I've never done anything at all before! I was so content with that- I was perfectly fine being the kid who never did anything, focused on his grades and his passions. Saturday night was the night of a lot of firsts- hopefully not as many as I've speculated.
     Next thing I know, Joan is shoving a salad dish my way. I don't even remember her eating that, let alone it arriving to the table!
     "Go, now!" She says in a hushed whisper, juxtaposed by the smile on her face. I stood, taking it into my hands and rising to my feet.
     Okay, it's fine. This'll be easy. I count every step I take towards the bin where on top of it rests a tub where everyone puts their dirty plates. One. Two. Three.
     Twenty seven steps. I turn around. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Seventeen steps and I've reached Kennedy's booth. I find myself nearly skidding to a halt. I mumbled something.
     John looks at me with a confused look. I know he's slightly hearing impaired, but I can't help myself. Taking a deep breath, I repeat, looking at John and smiling,
     "That party wasn't too bad. Thanks for inviting me."
     Johns look of confusion morphed into a large smile. "Yeah short stack! Sorry ya got so sick though. It's uh, not easy bein' a light weight!"
     A wave of relief washed over me. I was just sick! That's all! "Thank God! You know, I was so worried, I couldn't remember a thing!"
     "Worried about what?"
     "Oh, uh, nothing! Just, you know-"
     "What?" Cleo pipes in, "Scared you'd lost your virginity?" She snorts.
     My face turns red. I feel angry, my nose is tingling and I can tell I'm about to cry.
     Ponce speaks up- he's like an angel. "Nah, Van Gogh, don't listen to her. It's normal to be worried when you don't remember stuff, especially after your first time drinking. I'm glad Jack was there to help you out."
     We exchange smiles. John looks distant, kind of a mile long stare. I thank him again and finish walking back to Joan. The minute I sit down I slump all the way down and start to cry.

~*~

     "I don't think Cleo knows how often her words hit home."
     Joans offering me comfort in her car. She's driving me back to my place.
     "It was just a prod. Besides, based on what you told me, nothing happened at all. Kennedy was just helping you out. Aren't you relieved?"
     I sigh. "Yeah, I think so."
     "You think so?"
     "I've been... thinking about what you said."
     "Uh, you gotta be more specific with me Vin. I kinda say things all the time."
     The beating in my chest grows faster. "How am I.. supposed to... explore?"
     ...
     The longer the silence the dumber I feel.
     "I guess just.. imagine what it would be like to be with other people? Like, what if you dated Caesar?"
     My face scrunched up. Sickened, but curious. "If I have a type, he's probably not it."
     "Just do some self reflection. Don't rush anything either, just take your time."

     I thank her for the ride and stumble my way up the stairs, gently setting my satchel down but throwing my backpack to the floor.

     Self reflection? I can hardly stand looking into a mirror, let alone my inner self. Maybe this door is better closed, and locked.