- Adrenaline -

Chapter 8: Exploring.

     Sorry for having been gone for so long. It's been about a week since John and I had a study session at his place. His parents were so nice to me, and so was he. Since then, I've come over maybe two more times to help him study for an upcoming art history test.
     It's.. nice.  I've learned a lot about John in the past week. Like how he has two bongs in his closet- a 12 inch one, and a 3 inch one for traveling.

     "What's this?"
     "What do you think it is?" He laughed
     I stare at it. John had asked me to grab an extra pack of college rule lined paper from his closet.
     "Wanna pack it?"
     "Well.." I say, in thought, "I'll try anything once."

     I wish we got more done that day. The smoke hurt a lot, but after a couple of tries, I got used to it. John laughed at me and I threatened to never help him again.
     He also drinks occasionally. I'm not a big drinker myself, I only drink when I'm cold, or lonely. He drinks for fun.
     Sometimes while studying together, he would get distracted. He would say how he's thinking of throwing another party, but he can't find a good reason to. Other times, he just seems to zone out, like he's deep in thought. For a split second I would think he's looking at me, with those big brown doe eyes, and those sharp, steel features, but I know better. I think I do, at least.

     John hasn't told me when his test is, but I'm pretty sure it's this Friday. Today is Thursday, and he said he would be driving me to his place. Bertha always texts me to have fun and to let her know when I'm on my way back. Sometimes when I get home she has Capri suns sitting out on the table with dinner in the fridge. She's always been so nice to me.

     And you know what? I'm not even mad at John! He's a really decent guy. I think I like...

     being around him. Yeah! He's like a real friend that doesn't lie, doesn't manipulate you. Just someone you can relax with when you're near them. That's pretty nice.
     My anxiety's been down, I feel more motivated in the morning— man, having friends is great!

~*~

     "I'm your friend and you don't squeal about me." Joan cocks her eyebrow, looking at me as though she knows something I don't.
     "Well yeah, but- Johns different somehow. It's not like you're any less of my friend! I guess it's just.. exciting to have someone knew you can trust in."
     "Mm, yeah, I get that." She nods understandingly.
     I zip up my lunch box, "Tonight should be the last night we study for his Art History test. He's doing really good." I say, before gathering the plastics and napkins into my hands.
     Joan watches me as I leave the table to throw the trash. She looks confused. The bell rings and there's no more time to talk. She's checking something on her phone, but looks up to wave me goodbye to my next class.
    
     10 minutes into the final class of the day and I'm already lost. Mindlessly doodling different things on my paper. Stars, sunflowers, boats on lakes. Strangely, I've caught myself drawing something new- eyes.
     Beautiful, dark, dilated eyes. I smile at the paper, features relaxing as I wish I could see my reflection in them. The gaze is so soft, and comforting. They look so familiar. I could stare at them for a very long time.
     I could. I want to. I will. I can see him looking back at me, with such warmth and love. His arms around my waist, mine around his neck, playing with the curls of the back of his-
     I am cut off guard by my own actions.
I've doodled hearts all over my paper.
     Quickly, I crumble the paper up, shoving it into my backpack, hoping it finds the pits where people lose their erasers and hall passes. I'll forget about it until next year when I have to clean out my backpack to make room for new stuff, and even then, I'll just see it as a crinkled old piece of paper with no meaning, and not a confession from my subconscious to myself.
     I pull out another paper and try to catch up on as many of Mr Sheepmens points as possible. It feels so slow. I know a watched pot never boils, but I can't help but continuously check the clock, or my watch, or the time on my phone. I just want the school day to end.