Go Back: Conversations Over a Cup of Coffee

III

Matagal na akong nakatitig sa kapeng binigay sa akin ni Jared, and no, hindi na ako nakatabi sa kanya. Wala akong pakialam kung mamanhid na ako at makaramdam ako ng tusok-tusok sa aking mga binti, basta I'll stay right here, kung saan ako nakatayo, dito lang ako. 

"Ang arte naman kasi masyado. Binigyan na nga ng kape, pinapa-upo pa sa tabi ko, ayaw rin," he laughed na siya namang dahilan ng pagtaas ng kanang kilay ko. 

"Wow! Sadyang napaka-kapal din ng pagmumukha mo, ano?" 

He just laughed and I rolled my eyes as I heard that laugh of his.

"I missed you, Isnia. I really do."

At ayun na naman ako, nagpadala na naman sa matamis niyang salita.

***

Nakakainis talaga 'yong Jared na 'yon! I'm gonna strangle him to death kapag nakita ko siya, naku talaga!

Pumunta ako sa 2nd floor at pumunta sa room 205 kung nasaan naroon ang club na aking binuo which is the Philo Club. Luminga-linga ako and there he is! Kung nakamamatay ang tingin, baka kanina pa 'to namatay!

And I can say na umuusok na 'yong ilong ko, kanina pa!

Dali-dali akong lumapit sa kanya but I stopped when he waved his hand, telling me na I should stop. But is it really that? Or madali niya lang ako mapasunod through his gestures? Aisht! Ewan!

"Kanina pa kita nakita, nasa pintuan ka pa lang, umuusok na 'yang ilong mo," he said while reading the book on his hand, and that was my book of Edith Hamilton's Mythology!

Aagawin ko na sana 'yong libro nang tumayo siya at inilayo 'yon mula sa akin. It is out of my reach and...

Halos magkalapit na kami ni Jared.

No! Magkalapit talaga kami and I know, I know na kanina pa kami tinitingnan ng mga members ng club! This is so embarassing! Malilintikan talaga 'tong De Guzman na 'to!

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, Socratesnia. You're blushing."

And that's it! 

My palm landed on his face and yeah, it felt so good.

"What was that for?" he shouted while touching the part of his face that I slapped just a while ago. I just smirked habang nakapameywang and I raised my right hand, all fingers down except for the middle one.

His face was shocked. I smirked, yeah, asshole.

"Call me Socratesnia one more time at mas lalo kang malilintikan sa akin, Jared. And oh, stop using my things without my permission!"

Umayos siya ng pagkakatayo and smirked at me, "Socratesnia suits you, why don't you like it? A great philosopher plus your name, isn't it a good thing?"

"It's not if it's from you!" I shouted.

Doon ko uli naalala na kanina pa pala kami pinagtitinginan ng mga members at mga aspiring members ng club ko.

I smiled at them and they continued on what they're doing and my face was back at its bitch-y expression when I gazed back to Jared.

Nakaupo na siya and he's just staring at me.

"Ano na naman?!"

"Mother Theresa once said, "Peace begins with a smile," pero technically, I don't believe in religions and such."

"But when I saw your smile awhile ago, I felt that peace, sa puso at isip ko, I felt that."

***

Silence.

After he said those words, the silence shouted between the both of us. It was unbreakable, and no one decided to at least, kill it.

He sighed.

No, not him. Ayaw kong siya ang sumira ng katahimikan na 'yon dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na lalamunin na ako ng katahimikan kapag pinagpatuloy niya pang magsalita. It's been years and hindi ko na dapat maramdaman 'to.

Pero bakit?

Why do I feel this uneasiness all over my body? 

"Isnia, can you at least say a goddamn thing?"

Umiling na lang ako sa aking isipan. Hindi pupuwedeng hayaan kong magsalita itong bibig ko. I can't just respond to him just like that. 

Ayaw kong sisihin sarili ko sa kadahilanang pumunta ako dito para makita 'yong lagay niya. I was concerned and he's my ex-boyfriend afterall. Pero at the moment, gustong-gusto ko nang sisihin sarili ko.

This is too much. This is suffocating.

I can't breathe properly.

"I missed you damn much, Isnia. And it hurts so bad."

I can't take this anymore kaya lumayo ako sa kanya and I turned my back from him. Hindi ko na mapigilan 'tong luha ko. Napakatraydor ng mga mata ko, sinabi ko na sa sarili kong hindi na ako iiyak.

"What happened, baby?"

***

Umuulan ng kay lakas. Sumasabay na naman ang kalangitan sa nararamdaman ko.

"Isnia!"

Naririnig ko siya. Hindi ako bingi.

Pero wala na akong pakialam. Hindi ako manhid kaya ramdam ko ang lamig na bumabalot sa aking katawan dulot ng kanina pa na pagpatak ng ulan sa aking kamalayan.

At mas lalong hindi ako manhid para hindi maramdaman 'tong namumuong sakit sa aking puso.

"Baby! Can you at least stop running away from me?!" he shouted.

I stopped running.

Hinarap ko siya kahit napakahirap.

I smiled as I said the words, "Goodbye, Jared,".

Tumakbo ako palayo mula sa lugar na 'yon. At kahit rinig ko ang paulit-ulit niyang pagsigaw sa pangalan ko. Hinding-hindi na ako lilingon pa.

At hinding-hindi ko pagsisihan ang desisyon na ginawa ko sa araw na ito. Itataga ko sa mga iinumin kong kape sa bawat araw na haharapin ko.

And that is my promise.