My Selfish Self

Chapter Four

      Me and my sibling eventually made amends and were able to find our way back to our normal routine. I had missed them so much. My youngest niece, at the time, was my partner in crime. She had figured out at the age of 1, how to call me from her mom’s cell phone. She would babble on as if telling me of her day, and I listened on, she, not knowing that I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about.  I would sing to her until she stopped telling me “again, again” but now being replaced by her steady breathing that allowed me to hang up the phone.
As it eventually always seems to happen, we had lost touch after a moment, due to an argument that me and my selfish self, got into with her about dating choices.  
       Not long after that, she had moved away with the kids.  That’s when the smoke began to weave its course that lured me to the living hell, that had consisted of court orders, stress, and many other hurts, that still have not yet fully healed. I had to watch helplessly, as my sibling began taking dancing lessons with the devil.
       Every time I turned around, I felt as though I was dodging bullets or picking out pieces of shrapnel. I’ve been called some of the most creative of names used to describe a person.  I’d felt useless because at this point, I wasn’t even considered a person to her.  I however had some of the most solid supports ever during that time.
       People, who I never thought I would ever be without. They had helped me be able to keep believing in myself, that I was a person who could do anything. I hummed along with the tune to that whole whimsical jingle as it was sung, and I belted out the melodies of its chorus.  That’s the only memory that I have a desire to look back on, of them now.
       Leave it to my selfish self, to have all that encouragement, and I still had wound up on the verge of a break down.  You see the children ended up being apprehended not long after.
      Following a visit with one of the children that I’d had been asked to care for due to some behavioral issues, and the opportunity to go see some relatives that my sibling had missed very much, I’d gotten to spend a week with my nephew. The children’s father, learned of this and had come over, after months of not seeing or hearing from his children, in hopes to see one of them, if even just for a moment.  I had of course allowed it. Unfortunately, it hadn’t been the happiest of reunions.  The child’s father had been told of their treatment, the event of my nephew’s retelling, it had us in tears. The father then did what any decent parent could do. He enlisted an organization for help. That had been the beginning, of how my life today, has come to be what it is. Right smack dab during my own plans no less, but I knew in that moment, that I needed to try and help those 4 beautiful, brave beings.
        Perhaps we could help each other somehow, breathe in a full breath once again. They have taught me so much, and we have had to learn, what it means to heal. 
       Together we battled back to claim our lives, and even that wasn’t an easy road.
It’s been 6 years since the courts awarded me custody. The hardest parts of it being, having to watch your own sibling hurting, broken and struggling, while having to stand up against each other at times.          Though my love for my sibling is immeasurable, the importance of making sure my nieces and nephews, the other part of my sisters’ heart, were not exposed to the sometimes-messy parts of her healing process, because they were hurting and trying to heal as well.
      It’s no cake walk caring for children, a decidedly crazy addict at the time sibling, and all the added excitement that came along with it, while trying to maintain your own personal life. Oh, and make sure dinners done by 5, and volleyball practice is at 4:15 so we need to get out the door, just as soon as one of the girls finds her shoe, the other stops having a meltdown , and pencil  in haircuts cause one of the boys spit gum in his brothers hair  “on accident” for the second time this week. Trying to keep all that brand of crazy tucked in, needs some seriously mad skills. Some I hope to for acquire, even if just for a day.
Adjusting into our new lifestyle, that consisted of a whole lot of things I’d not been prepared for, we had done a lot of counseling, a dusting here and there from the tests of time, battles of wills, pouting and healing and more tears and laughter and more importantly, a wonderful bond had been established. It had taken some time, but we finally found our stride.  As time went on, my sibling had returned to her healthy state, and we had started rebuilding our dilapidated relationship. 
       She had made some beautiful headway with the kids along the way. Still as ever so spoiled and as bratty just as she’d been before all this and it felt good.  She has always been large on love but had not a lick of patience for her quickly growing, not so little, little ones. I think I was just enjoying seeing her truly smile again, that I totally missed the storm brewing and winds were picking up.
Life was but a dream. I became pregnant and was in the process of becoming a first-time homeowner. Life couldn’t be more perfect. …  Then tragedy struck.