My Selfish Self

Chapter Six

      A month and a half I had fought for my return to the land of the living.  Having had to see a doctor as well for extra help to do so. I had felt so tiny, powerless and voiceless in the workings of my own life. I felt like a sick joke had been played on me. What did my selfish self-do to deserve to have a soul ripped from my womb?
      To have been so disposable by my mom? So much anger coursed through my veins. It was probably not the best of times for a few friends to voice how they felt that I had been an absent friend who was being neglectful of their feelings and their needs. As if I hadn’t felt enough shame, I’d let them down now as well.
      Could the fates be any crueler? I mean are you serious? In my head I was screaming with fury. WHAT ABOUT ME! CAN’T YOU SEE IM STRUGGLING TO HOLD ON HERE?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!  I wanted to shake them and lash out, but all I could do was apologize.  From the core of my soul I meant it, for I knew all too well how it felt to feel as if you were so easily disposable.  Unfortunately, my spiraling did not stop there. I faced some challenges that did not end up boding well for some people. I’d been biting my tongue about some things that had been bothering me.
       Tired of accepting unacceptable things!  I had apparently thought it was a fantastic idea to voice every thought I’d hidden. I truly would love to say that’s all I did, but sadly I cannot. 
       It would seem, that once I get going on a rampage, I am then fully committed to it. I can be light spirited on it now and see how I must have looked totally insane! But going through it was so difficult.  All sides collapse at once and your trying to get out of the way of debris. You don’t realize until it’s up to your waist that you have become apart of the collapsed structure.  The manner of how I chose to deal with some of these things is what I am truly apologetic for.   The outcome of it though, is still very much worth the price I had to pay.
       I stood my ground for those who I had felt were being wrongfully treated.   I may have stood alone, loud, unyielding and unapologetic but I needed be heard.   
       I wanted to draw attention to the idea that looking away, or being positive, and pretending not to see a situation, doesn’t mean that there isn’t one. I wanted to be a voice to anyone around me who had felt that no one had cared. I’d taken notice of the many people around me that were fighting battles alone. Friends and family watching, as loss of hope and spirit quickly faded and dimmed them, unable to know how to help or what to do. I allowed myself to be heard about some things I felt strongly about. I put my fear of ridicule behind me in order to show them me, who I am, what I stand for, and that I was going to be heard, that the people around me will be heard too.
       “A voice for the voiceless” I dubbed the meltdown. So many thoughts that I had lost my mind, some were perplexed, and even a few perhaps a little fearful by my change in character. All I was trying to do, was define who I was when I could no longer see me anymore. I needed to be clear as possible, because it had been muddled up in the mix of things.  Oops.
Soon after making me apologies I worked at reconnecting with my mother. We decided to get together for a dinner at her home with the kids.  That day, after a mix up in the morning, I finally left the house to see my mom.
        The drive was nerve racking, an understated sentiment. How do I approach my mom, after being so mean to her? Will it be awkward? And wow, what a quick drive, when your dreading a meeting with someone you had hurt in anger! I decided to go with the safe bet and stick to conversation about the kids, in effort to try to keep things light and as far away from the rude and hurtful way I’d treated her.  As expected, it was awkward! But it was a different kind of sense I’d couldn’t quite place. It felt bereft there was a difference in tone and aura.
      I really was starting to get annoyed at my selfish self, just look at how much I’d hurt my mom! It was abundantly clear within the first 15 minutes that I was not as welcome as perceived, and the chill was barely restrained. Every statement I made had been clipped met with a negative attitude.  I became anxious and confused, which very quickly became anger. Dammit, there I was, back at it, yelling again. I managed to get myself back in control and decided to fly out of there as fast as I could, before I could do any more damage between us. I let the kids know that we were leaving immediately and once we were on the road, I apologized to them for being out of line and that if I had scared them, I was sorry for that as well. I immediately reached out and made my apologies to my mom yet again but explained why I had felt so defensive.  She of course disagreed, but I wasn’t going to get into yet another fight. I just wanted everything to go back into order.