My Selfish Self

Chapter Nine

      There had been moments when I have questioned myself and have needed to lighten up the reins a bit.  I’ve had to constantly keep evolving, going and growing. My mom and sister can’t even see that this is not healthy for anyone, especially for the kids which is what this is supposed to be about.  I even tried to try and sit down and sort this debacle out with the understanding that we may not agree with each other’s view, but this was very much affecting the kids so let’s just put it to rest.
       After 4 days of waiting with no responses, except from my aunt.  I decided I was done. I am unwilling to play cat and mouse I cancelled the wasted time.
Though this situation has been very disheartening and frustrating.  There had been so very many heartfelt and beautiful moments.  Family and friends, I had thought I would have needed to explain myself to, had come to visit and talk with me since. Seeing what has happened and even attempted to speak up on my behalf. Though, I’ve never asked nor have needed a champion, I’m humbled by their love and belief in me.
       To be able to be understood and take a stand to try and end the cycle of toxicity is such an incredible feeling.  Their efforts have been unsuccessful, and they had gotten treated poorly in kind.
     I’ve been unsociable and solitary due to the magnitude of devastation that’s been done. Other people that have reached out, have felt that anonymity is a better option. The sensation of what they’ve witnessed themselves being the deciding factor of safety for keeping their distance and hoping to keep curt and uninvolved. I completely respect that because I know all too well of the consequences of how going against the grain feels. I’ve been banned from visiting a deceased love one’s final resting place, as well been invited not to attend funerals. The insult being a bit morbid, hurtful but it’s a little bit pretentious in assumption, that I or anyone should have, or will be in the position to seek out permission for a moment spent with a loved one by appointment or personal preference by who is liked or favored.
       Someone so navigated by vengeance they’d attempt to use these ploys over the loss of a loved one, is outrageous.
Many people will wonder why I just don’t give them back, or how could I do this to my sibling. My answer is and will always be simple and direct.  The whole conversation has only ever revolved around my sister and her desires, her accomplishments and entitlement to compensation.  My scenery of those 6 years has a broader range though. Not only do I acknowledge my sister and her wonderful growth, but I have also been in the thick of it with four more human beings, that have feelings, wants, desires goals need and should have a platform as well.
      They too have fought relentlessly to regain stability and come back from the mess made of their tiny lives. Their thoughts, their experiences, their feelings, their survival, and their life has been ignored, trampled on, insulted, and thrown aside as a preposterous an irritating background noise.   They sat through and took all the names, anger, disappointment and shame, without having shed a single tear for themselves. They didn’t back down, never changing their minds to appease anyone. Never saying “what about me” in defence. Just the weight of having hurt someone they love so much. The feeling of failing to answer their mom the expected way.  They were heroes I wished I could have been when I was younger but was too scared to stand up for myself. I stand in front of the kids, so they have the opportunity NOT to choose me. Not to just choose what they want, but also the ability to have a choice. I stand for them to be heard without degradation. So, day after day, even after the loss of my family members, seeing the head that shake with dismay, I stand head held high and shout. WHAT ABOUT THEM?!
I appreciate that you have taken the time to read my wandering mind. I had so many things that had been running through my head and I needed to figure out a way to help it make sense.  To see this all, unfold was on repeat and not making any logical sense.   To be someone’s plot or game to be played for the prize of human beings is a twisted way of life.
From the inner workings of my selfish self I’m going to keep on keeping on, speaking up for those who ever kept quiet and allowed themselves to be unheard.