My Selfish Self

Chapter Five

       Miscarriage and mayhem are the way this unwound.  Etched into my mind and heart, the moments of losses and the twisted maneuvers used against me during that time. When I realized that I missed the flip and had no warning of the depths people could go to acquire to get what they believe they are owed.   Nothing has been right since.
      When I had lost my baby, I fell and fell hard. I fell in love with that heartbeat and then nothingness.  I decided the best course was to have an at home miscarriage.  That had to have been the worst decision ever! I wanted that happy place back. I felt robbed by my own body. I became overwhelmed and needed my mom to help me through. Call after call I made to her. Twice a day every day and text messages that had all gone unanswered or if there had been, was the promise to get back to me later.  Later was 3 weeks later, my phone ringing and I’d answered. So excited to finally hear from her but had not expected what I was met with. Frustration was the first thing I was hit with, for being my usual selfish self, I’d caused stress for my sibling by inquiring about what day she had wanted her visit with the kids.  The same as I’d done every week for the last 6 years. I was told I had been insensitive to her needs, and that my sister was overwhelmed enough and not to bother her by adding more to an already heavy load. The second emotion I had been gifted was a condescending one, when I was told that my mom had been busy helping my sibling learn her new driving route for the last few weeks and that it’s not always about my needs. I was filled with anger at the implication that the expectation was that she was only to care for me and my needs, which couldn’t be further from the truth if possible. My mother doesn’t even know how to drive! How was she supposed to help my sister with her new job? And that led to more and more thoughts…Every day I was ignored as I had been struggling to get through? I mistook her for just being busy only to find out she had been deliberately avoiding me?! Why ?!
       So, as it happened, I lost my mind on her and threw every emotion I had felt at her in that instance, which only resulted in me feeling like a selfish ass and still reeling from this news.
Feeling alone yet again and knowing that I was slipping into that familiar depressive state, my mind going over everything and trying to understand what was going on. What had happened to cause my mom to not even want to talk to me in the first place? Have I said or done something? Thoughts on rerun WHAT ABOUT ME! booming in the background.   
       I looked around me, panicking, I was still not capable of much more then light duty, yet, my house needed some TLC. I broke down and finally admitted I needed some help. Begrudgingly I asked an amazing friend, as well is my beau, to help me with the children and the home.