The Middle Child

Chapter 10

Sasha

“I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am not your expectations, no, I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am the soul that lives within” – India.Arie

3 months later…

Those few days that I was originally supposed to spend with Mommy turned into a week, and then they turned into a few weeks, and before I knew it, it had been three months and I was still staying with Mommy. It’s not that I couldn’t come back home, or that I felt I couldn’t go back, the truth of the matter is, I just didn’t want to go back. When I was with Mommy, I had got the love I was wanting and needing, and I didn’t feel like I didn’t have to compete or make my presence known; I felt like I belonged, I felt acknowledged. The day I left home, on the inside I didn’t recognize who I was, nor what I was feeling. I had reached a new level of sadness and unhappiness that I had never felt before, and after I left, I decided I never wanted to feel that way again.

I didn’t even say goodbye to my family, only June and Blue, because they came to my room while I was packing so Blue could give me my gifts. They were really sad to see me leave, but they understood why. June kept apologizing profusely because he thought for sure they wouldn’t forget but I told him to stop, that he did nothing wrong and I wasn’t upset with him, and I wasn’t, I was as hopeful as he was and truth is, I was as hopeful as I was because of him. His faith in our family to come through for me is what kept me at bay that whole day, and even though so many people made sure that I had a great birthday, which I am still beyond blessed and thankful for them, he was the main one who helped me to not be focused on the negatives and the what ifs, and it’s not his fault that the what ifs turned out to be the reality. He was so angry with our parents and I had to calm him down because I could see it begin bubbling over and I didn’t want him to do or say anything he would regret later down the line. Besides, this was my battle to fight, not his. Actually, if you let Mommy tell it, it’s the Lord’s, which, hey, is even better.

All was not completely lost; for that night and the rest of the weekend Mommy and Aunt Kelly made sure I had the time of my life and they completely took my mind off of the hurt from my family. I didn’t want to do much though, what my work family did for me was more than enough. Being with Mommy again was all I needed, I had missed her so much and I was so happy that she was finally here again after months of being away. I was pretty much attached to her hip; she could barely go to the bathroom without me following behind her like a lost puppy, I just couldn’t help it. I don’t think she minded…too much.  

As for my parents, they reached out to me that night to apologize and make it right, but I wasn’t quite ready to hear from them yet. It lasted for a few days until Mommy had enough and insisted, no, demanded that I talk to them, if not only to just let them hear from me directly so they could know that I was ok. When I called them I thought I was ready, I thought I was over what happened but the moment I heard their voice and they started to apologize, I couldn’t take it, those wounds had reopened and I began to feel that same hurt and pain that I felt that night and I just couldn’t do it. My mom’s birthday was a few days later and I couldn’t bring myself to come around, not because I was being malicious and vindictive and taking my revenge out on her for forgetting my birthday, but because I just wasn’t ready to see my family, or really be in an environment to be celebratory. You know what, let me be honest and call a spade a spade, I just felt like it wasn’t fair to me to celebrate someone’s birthday who couldn’t even remember mine, and I also happen to be that someone’s child. After a while I started reaching out less and less, to the point where I haven’t really spoken to them in a month, but that hasn’t stopped them from trying to reach out. Of course, I still see my siblings at school, and I talk to June and Blue every day, so I know that they are keeping up with me through them.