~t/w: s3lf-h@rm references at the very end, in the last 2 sentences~
i have so many words buzzing around in my head
i can never find the right ones.
i fish around inside my brain, helplessly searching through the dark water--or is it ink?--inside my head as it tries to drown me
the water rises past my chest and to my chin
the water is darker than void, darker than a starless night. i search and struggle to stay afloat in this ocean of liquid shadow. i look for words.
the water rises past my lips and tickles my nose. i don't have that much time left. i cannot breathe this liquid nothing, i cannot see through its dark.
frightened, i grab my last handful of frantic, jumbled words.
i surface, launching myself out of my head, gasping and gulping the air. i look at the words i have found this time and realize they cannot possibly explain how i feel. i try to use them anyway, but am left with holes and pauses i cannot fill.
you don't appear to struggle at all, the words you fire at me lodge their sharp edges into my heart. the pain is impossible to bear. it is impossible to breathe through the invisible smoke of your metaphorical gun. i do what i know.
what works.
i learned to run.
i run and run, my lungs tearing themselves to shreds next to my already ribboned heart, ribboned by your shrapnel.
*i look for words in the cuts i create. i search for answers in my blood.
YOU ARE READING
sad boi hours
Poetry~Trigger Warning: these poems contain somewhat graphic descriptions of mental health, s3lf-h@rm, e@ting d!sorders, su!cide and other topics that could potentially be upsetting. Poetry is one of my coping skills and a positive release for my emotion...
