laying by the ocean

fallen down

I'm hungry
for food and for more
but here?
I'm the only thing worth fighting for
no one else needs me to fight for them
I'm the only one who needs fought for,
and yet the only fighting I'm doing is in my brain

where is the danger?
I just want to snuff it out
where is the pain?
I want to clear it away
am I the enemy,
or am I the soldier?
or perhaps I'm both
and somewhere in between.

I don't feel that I have purpose
to any sort of outside influence
I only have purpose to myself
I only have life meaning in myself

everything would go on fine without me
but I don't want to leave.
everyone would be happier without me
but I'm not gonna leave.
maybe I'm their punishment
for how they treated me and each other
and my punishment is to be theirs for good.

I don't like pessimism
or blind optimism
but I've got to choose one
and roll.

I have no goal to fight for
nothing I need to accomplish
and I do not know how to want
because I killed that so I'd never hurt again

well, is this what that's supposed to be like?
'cause living in static sure hurts, pal
I want to go home but there's nowhere to return to
because I've never left.

I'm paralyzed,
rooted to the spot
I can't see a magical quest or a destiny in sight
my wants and needs are changing,
explaining,
clarifying,
and yet I have nothing.

I am given nothing
and I can take nothing
because there is nothing there to take
there is nothing here for me.

I live each day afraid
numb
stressed
hungry and exhausted and unfulfilled
and alone

and oh, how I hate lonliness
yes, alone can be good,
but sometimes it hurts so bad I can't leave those that plague me.

a numbing forcefield enraps my skull
so I forget everything
so I can't get myself in the mood to fight

I'm hungry and tired and hell, am I sore
and too bruised to keep up this fight

but I can't lose.

not again.

they expect so much more of me but wouldn't be surprised at another failure.

they expect me to surpass or fail,
and I do so much of the latter now.

I don't recognize my accomplishments
maybe that's because they're gone
left out on the roadside and lost

do I really recognize myself?
I know that it's me
but the fire inside has long died

I used to be a wildfire
uncontrollable and uncontained
and now there's just a feeble candle in my chest
if someone's meant to save me, then hurry up already
because I'm tired of pretending I'm at my best.

it's not my best if I'm starving but can't get up because I'm exhausted.
it's not my best if my brain is so badly overworked that even typing takes too much energy.
it's not my best if I'm starting to recognize blatant signs of ptsd and ignoring them to pretend I'm getting more and more perfect.
it's not my best if recovery is a competition that I know I won't win.

it's not my best if I say it's not.

it's not my best if it's not perfect.

I'm not happy unless I'm perfect.

and I'm never going to be perfect.

I'm never going to have straight A's again,
never going to ace another math test,
come out on top of my class

if my self-worth is tied to my grades,
then I'm fucked.

nothing is ever good enough.

nothing I do is perfect enough.

help me if you can,
because I'm falling,
and I'm done delluding myself.
I don't know if I can stand back up on my own,
but I'll try.
I can't do this anymore.