Our Conscience

Chapter One: New Mindset

So I've been thinking lately about suicidal, I don't know why, but I just feel as if I'm misplaced in this world. I tried a week before to kill myself though honestly, I wasn't alone exactly, he was there with me. Who's he? You might ask, well I started seeing him during my darkest days when I was depressed and he would tell me to do things... bad things to myself you couldn't imagine doing. Now he says "since I have been around you for so long I'm starting to get used to you and your surroundings... May I stay...

"I couldn't say no, and even if I did, it wouldn't make a difference if he killed me today or tomorrow... because honestly, I wouldn't have a care in the world.

My despair faded from me. Everyone else began noticing the old me sprouting from the depths of the pit I created. I was lost for a long time when things got rough at home I had to depend on my friends but when they were no help I just depended on myself. It took me a while to realize that my depression is nothing but emotions built up over marriage, a miscarriage, a misunderstanding, and a mistake. All I can do now is to forget the things that have hurt me in the past and focus on the future. It's the only option I have left.

After a month of depression and suicidal thoughts, I started thinking differently, more like bright colors, something along the lines of which I never used to recommend myself doing but it's a start to being my new and happy self again. My mood just went from 0 to 20 which is about there but not quite there for a person who wants to be happy during their worst days. I just try my best not to get cracked up again. Besides it shouldn't even come back because I am a new me, a better me and nothing can get in the way of that. My phone vibrated. I jumped. Would you look at that? My best friend finally realized that I still exist in his life. Aaron has forgotten about little ole' me...but I bet he hasn't forgotten about her, oh yeah, Angel. She has been my worst enemy so far, actually my only enemy. Everyone else is just chill and laid back, pretty much everyone talks to anyone and we don't bully, just had to put that out there. I say this because even at your worst times no one really tries to touch you...not even the girls get touched and they're the ones who want it the most. Not me, I'm that girl who doesn't want any intercourse the guys here, they're all hoes. Getting off track here, Angel, not an angel at all wants you've gotten to know her, she's actually a total... What is the proper word for this abomination in our school... hmm, oh yeah! BITCH! She has been on my ass for over a month now. If I'm with Aaran, hanging out, she'll be right next to him or when I am walking with Aaran. she'll be right behind me. Obsess much. I understand it's her boyfriend but he was my best friend before they were even a thing. I've known him longer than her, so I think it goes to say he was... great, I'm talking like he's my possession. Either way, he's been dating her for a month now. I've paid quite some attention to their chemistry together and what I could get from it was nothing. yet she's so protective of him. Ryan! My mind gives me an image of Ryan that football player at our school, isn't he still dating her.... hmm? I guess... noise from the back was heard. My thoughts stopped mid-way. I got up to take a quick peek of the hallway and saw nothing. I wasn't paranoid or anything. Looking through every room of the house I found nothing. I guess it's just me then.

The next day, like any other day, is me going to see my therapist at eight O'clock in the morning. still, too early, I know. I've been asking them to change the time since like forever. Seems that I'm getting better and I seem fine now, but I am being cautious in case I do need some time to talk about my problems in the near future and to have someone, that's not my parents, to talk too outside my own reality. My world sucks by the way. I talk to him about pretty much everything. I'm lucky to have a therapist like him because he knows my every intention. When my mother appears he's serious but only around her he's like that but when we're together, we actually have an amazing conversation and don't get too serious about things. DR. Odgers and I have a close connection and it's not the thing that you're thinking of. He's like a father to me. I choose to ignore my own father. There are no issues between me and my father. My mother got a divorce and that was it. We all moved on, no hard feelings. It's life.