Wildfire

Ninety Nine

"Emrys... Come... We must keep walking..." I never before thought that one day I would find myself being pulled along by my wife unable to truly feel the heat from his hands or even truly the direction he is pulling me through...

It would be faster to shift and fly back...

But it feels as though the fire in my belly has completely died out... All of its flames having been forced from my body to punish the Hirai... The Hirai I should have made sure was punished the first time around...

All I seem to be able to really focus on is the fact that I am being pulled anywhere at all... And all of the green surrounding us... How strange it seems to have any greenery here at all... How can everything look just as lush as it had before the ceiling had come crashing down around us... How can the woods still seem so alive when so many are now dead... Dead because they wanted to wish us well... Dead because he refused to give up the throne... Dead due to listening to the King who could not give up his power...

So... So much death...

I do not understand how Rayne can seemingly function right now... I do not understand how he can seemingly be so fine letting his hair tangle amongst the underbrush as he pushes us forward... Back to all of that death...

...

Rayne

...

I never realized just how hard it is to guide someone who has lost themselves in the moment... and my husband is indeed lost... His sobs barely making a sound anymore as his eyes stare blankly in every direction that I turn him in... I know that it is hard right now... That he just lost his father, no matter how awful a man Xiang was... That he's been betrayed and hurt over and over again by the people he considered family...

I know all of this... But I still need him to wake himself and come to... I need his help navigating us back towards the palace for I know not where we are going...

It would be one thing if we were flying once more... I would actually be able to see the palace from the air and guide us back to it... But down here on the ground... I do not even know if the direction I am pulling us in is the right one or if we are doomed to stumble through the roots of these trees in the wrong direction for hours and make more work for ourselves trying to find our way back to the palace... Or rather... What is left of it...

It is not as if I do not understand why Emrys cannot seem to tell me if we are moving in the right direction... To go back to the palace means going back to the home he was raised in only to find it partially destroyed... One of his favorite gardens scarred and battered along with whatever other damage has been done...

It would mean confronting the fact that we were wrong to have tried to celebrate our joining...

And arriving back at our home... It would mean confronting Xiang's corpse...

As much as I understand... I cannot seem to keep my own frustration at bay... Not necessarily frustration towards my husband, for it is always safe for him to fall apart in front of me and need support to get through the moments that overwhelm him... But over the day in general... Over every little detail now that threatens to push me into my own round of tears... Tears that I am staving off until the day is finally over... Everything from the way my hair keeps getting tangled in roots and bushes no matter how often I wrap it around my arm to try and keep it off the ground... The way it feels to walk on the hardened stoney earth with uncovered feet, my slippers having been kicked off for the sake of saving the silk from bursting the first time I shifted to take on Xiang...

It feels as though the soles of my feet are being ripped open with every step, and when I have to stop and redirect my husband when he starts to lean one way or another instead of actively following the way I am trying to guide him it only makes it that much worse...

...

Emrys

...

It feels too soon...

We should nearly be home already...

I wish not to start recognizing which trees I would play in when young... Or notice the way the trees are thinning out around us...

Just like when I was a boy and my father was angry with me for simply being the child I was at the time I want to run and hide and not face the guilt that awaits me at the edge of the treeline...

I wish not to see the corpses and have to worry about whether or not we have found my Mother-In-Law or if part of her robe just got caught in the debris... Or if she had it in her heart to try and help those trapped underneath the heavy stone and ended up trapped herself or worse...

I seem not to have a choice in slowing us down so that I might not have to face the pain that I know lies before me... So I might not have to see the things I know I do not wish to... Because my Moon Beam has himself wrapped around my arm and will not allow us to stop...

He's leading me now, just like he has led all day... He has guided each battle... Refusing to run away from our aggressors... He himself had faced the demons that have given him so very many night terrors and he came through it alive and stronger, for which I am grateful... I just wish I could have done more... For he should not have had to face them so alone...

Just as he is not making me face the scene before us alone... More survivors coming too... Groaning filling the air as we draw closer... The sound of tears and crying over the lives lost... The sounds are what comes to me first as we edge our way closer to the trees...