Wildfire

101

"I told you to go fetch Kanaye. I care not if he feels the need to bring his wives along with him, these two are not well, and they need to be looked after." The way Papa hisses to the Bohdi when he comes back the first time with nothing other than robes for Emrys and I to slip into so that we might not be so very bare bringing news that the Doctor feels too shaken to leave his precious new fiances alone... With their first week in the palace with us all ending on terrifying note, I can understand why he does not want to abandon them... Just as I refuse to abandon Emrys, no matter how despondent he has become, his tears no longer flowing... His sobs so broken that it almost sounds as if he is gasping for breath every other moment... Papa slowly trying to guide us back to the crumbling black palace walls so that we might continue our grief while helping sort out the mess that our celebration day has become... 

 To help sort the bodies of people who had loved ones that will never again hear their voices or songs... And I know that the two people he is referring to is Emrys and myself... But his words do not make any sense to me...Emrys is the one who needs to be looked after... And even then... I am sure that there are people who need the kind physician more so than us... We may be slightly in shock from our unexpectedly long day... But at the very least we are still standing... Even if I might not be much longer with how heavily the exhaustion has made itself available to me now that I am needed to fight no longer...

I... I may be crying... And exhausted... My feet dragging more and more with every single step... But my head is held high even though my bottom lip will not still itself... If I can get myself to a point where I might sit for just a moment I know I shall be able to more properly lend myself to searching for the injured and ensuring that my sisters and Mother are still alright... Still alive...

There are so many more pressing matters than having Kanaye dote on me... If Emrys needs assistance I want him to receive it along with all others who find themselves injured and in shock from having such a happy day take such a sour turn... I... On the other hand... I know that I am still able to help with the recovery effort... I need to push myself while I am still in this strange balance of overwhelmed and numb at the same time because if I allow myself to truly rest... If I am fussed over... I shall become useless... And my tears will overtake me so thoroughly that I will be left in the same state of grief as my husband... 

I cannot allow that to happen... Because one of us has to lead at the moment... And if I am to be the very same Queen that threw himself at Xiang in order to stop all of this ridiculous madness... I need to be the one to allow my husband time to grieve the way his soul needs to... It is my duty to lead when he cannot... And his duty to let me when he is this destroyed... My hand is more firm at the moment, my head the slightest bit more clear... I just need to be strong long enough for Emmy to recover... And then I will be given the time to feel weak and let out the emotions that keep trying to climb up into my throat to hinder my breathing... The guilt in my stomach already trying so hard to eat me alive...

I do my best not to dwell on it... I try to put it out of my mind... But I truly understand how hard it will be to keep myself aware of my surroundings when I find myself knocking my knees on chunks of ceiling, the bruises sure to be spectacular in the worst kind of fashion at the end of the day, Papa's steadying hand on my shoulder the only thing keeping me from falling...

...

Emrys

...

"Emrys... Rayne.. You've got to lift your feet up, please... You've got to step over some of the stonework if you would like to keep your toes intact." I can hear the concern in Akeno's voice... I can understand what he is saying...Unfortunately, it is as if the words themselves have no meaning... I know that they do... But my mind cannot find them... I cannot seem to string them together in my consciousness in any kind of real meaningful way... Not truly... 

All I can barely manage to do is follow me as his hand rests so carefully around my waist, and that is only so that I might lean on him and take the support that he is offering both to me and to Rayne... My wife's tears so emotionally loud even though they are physically silent... This time I have no idea on how to soothe them... I feel as though in pushing for us to have this celebration when he did not truly want to that I have lost the right to hold him... For once again I am the one who put his life in danger... 

I put everyone's lives in danger... 

I should not be taking comfort or giving comfort... I feel as though I should have stayed behind with the pyre that is Shen to make sure that his ghost will not rise to haunt us again... But I know that I only feel that way due to not wanting to face the repercussions of not taking the threat against our safety seriously enough... I do not feel ready to see the images floating in front of my eyes... I do not wish to confront the red stains below my feet that are still too fresh to really be considered stains... I do not wish to see the bodies of the innocents that were claimed in the collapse of the ballroom I had chosen... 

I am not ready to be here... 

And Akeno insists on drawing me closer and closer.