i told him everything. i couldn't keep my stress and emotions in me for so long it was weighing me down and it was building up these huge black smokes of negativity in my mind. it was breaking me and i couldn't hold it anymore.
"Ahlam? Are you okay?" they always ask me.
"Yes, i am. Thank you for asking." i always reply. Oh, the lies. The lies i told. Am i really okay? Am i normal to be feeling like im an outcast? Is it okay for me to keep my feelings inside and let them carry a burden on my shoulders? I cant keep them anymore. I need to breathe. i get asked again.
"Ahlam? Is everything okay?"
"No. Its not okay." i tell him. he has this worried expression on his face, tilted his head. he was probably wondering why i replied like this, i usually don't. but i decided to let someone know how i was feeling. not because I'm selfish or because i want someone else to carry all the burden on my shoulders, but because i wanted to know what it felt like to not keep everything inside. to be free from feeling like I'm not normal. to know that maybe someone can somehow connect with me and even share some of their experiences. i don't know what had gotten to me but this was just my breaking point. i was tired. tired of these extra pounds being added everyday. my body felt soulless and non-existent and i don't know how to explain what exactly it was that i was feeling like these past years, but it wasn't depression or i don't know if anyone else has every felt like this before, except for me. this is why i did not feel normal.
"Whats going on?" he sat down and asked me. should i tell him how i felt about going to practices? about taekwondo? my family issues? my school life? my emotions? friends? i knew he was just my instructor and i had mixed feelings about him since he IS my taekwondo instructor. I've been here for 2 years and i rarely ever talked to him. he would help me out a bit but i never even once ever thought i would have this conversation with him. never. even if i don't really talk to him, i thought that maybe, just maybe i could tell him how i feel. this would be my first time ever telling someone how i felt and i wondered if it would change our weird relationship with each other (which was really nothing special). he was a regular college dude about 20 yrs old and i was a teenager just going through puberty (ehm 13) and i wasn't sure if i could trust him or anyone as a matter of fact. i didn't even know what i was feeling! but i told him anyways. i needed to tell someone. to finally rant about my stupid ass emotions.
he listened to me and even told me some of his problems that related to mine. he told me that he would just keep it a secret (cause i asked him too) and that if he wanted me to get involved, he can. he said that if i am in any way getting hurt or abused at home, then he will do something about it (even without my permission..but i would do the same if i met someone who was getting abused at home) he said he would do all he could to help me, and to make sure my experience in tkd was way better. he made me feel better, and go to practice more positive and willing to learn new things. he made me feel like i wasn't the only one feeling the way i was feeling, and that i had someone i could spill out all my problems to without getting judged. overall, it was nice just to tell someone how you felt because it can affect the way you handle things more differently. i am glad i made the decision to finally talk to someone and i felt like i could breathe a little more. i feel like anyone can feel this way if they just talk to someone. knowing that someone is by your side and helping you, and caring about you is one of the best feelings anyone could have.
after i talked to him, i started going to practice early and i noticed that he is analyzing every move i do so that he can try and correct me and making sure i do it right. that's something i admired about him. he went out of his way and takes his time to help me as much as possible. he made me feel like he actually did care, and he wasn't just saying that he does, but he showed me that he does.
i don't know. maybe it was my first time i felt so special because someone showed me how much they wanted help. maybe i do have more people who care about me, but i just never noticed it. i don't know. but i will grasp on to this memory and feeling for a very long time because it left me satisfied.
