every page matters (chaelisa)

Manic

Lisa

I admit, it was her impulsiveness, her recklessness, her edginess, her uncertainty, that got me so attracted to her at first. She's smart, quick-witted, and very chatty. Our first date wasn't entirely extraordinary; it was her stories that did the magic. By the time all the ice cubes in my soda had melted, I was sure I'd fallen in love.

"You need to be aware of this, but I hope you won't get frightened or freaked out," she said while playing with her straw, a couple hours into our date. 

Panicked thoughts raced through my mind. Does she have an obsessed ex? STD? What? 

"I'm bipolar." She finally said. 

"Yeah, okay." I replied. I was relieved.

I knew about the disorder and I know it's not easy to deal with, but I never thought dating a bipolar would be this tough. One moment, she loves me, an hour or so will pass, she can't even stare at me. Right now, she's clinging to me for her dear life, but tomorrow, it'll feel like I don't even exist in her life at all. She's happy the moment the sun rise on the east, but then again, sun will set west, she'll cry. Sometimes she's hyper, like she feels she can conquer everything, but also, sometimes she's so empty I can't squeeze any feelings in her at all. Sometimes she gets mad easily, sometimes she don't care. Sometimes I can't make her listen to what I'm saying, sometimes she wants all of my attention focused on her. Yeah, it's frustrating, it's like we're in this kind of love-hate relationship. Being with her takes every ounce of my limited patience. I know this is normal. But that's the point, it is normal. 

"At least you know the reason why she's acting like that to you, you don't need to play guessing games with her, like if she's fed up with you already or she's found someone else. She has mental illness." 

"But that is exactly my point, it means that no matter what I do, it won't change the way she treats me. Because of her issues." 

Don't get me wrong though, I love her so much, more than words could tell. And that's why it pains me to know I couldn't be a healer, only a supporter. I love her but I'm not much of a help to her when she's having depressive episodes. I love her that's why I'm worried sick when she can't sleep in several days due to her manic episodes. I love her that's why I'm afraid she might hurt herself because of frustration with her situation. Sometimes she wants to be cared and even being cuddled by me, but sometimes she wants me out of her sight. 

"Lisa, aren't you tired of me?"

"It's tiring, yes. But people get tired always, right? They just don't give up because they know they have to do it, because that's what keeps them alive, makes them feel. Yes, I do get tired because of you, but I won't stop choosing you, too, you also keep me grounded, you know. I love you." 

"Don't give up on me, please? Even if I'm like this, even if sometimes our relationship don't feel sunshine and rainbows at all, and that you don't feel I love you enough..."

I don't get why she's scared to lose me. In her impulsiveness, I'm afraid she'll wake up one morning and she'll realize she doesn't love me anymore, that she'll leave me, and she'll think twice if she did love me in years of our relationship. 

When she's hyper and she wants to hike up on a mountain, I'll go with her. When she wants to spend every dime of her money, I'll go and spend mine too. She told me she's like at the top of the world when she's manic. I want to be there with her, I want to see the world's beauty through her eyes. She gets really risky and intrusive too when she's manic, she thinks she's invincible. I have to restrain and control her. Once, she almost got hit by a car because she was chasing a cute cat. 

I'm dying inside when I hear her cry in the middle of the night, screwing the world, blaming herself. I'm afraid she'd dwell for long and sink into the depths of depression and I may not get her out of it anymore. If only I could take away her misery, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I can only hope that when I wake up tomorrow, her mood has finally shifted and we're back to being a normal couple again. 

I've been living in a world full of worries ever since I've been in love with her, but hers was a world full of entropy. I want to restore its order, but how? 

People said that I can't leave her because I pity her, but no. More than pity, I feel admiration towards her. I admire her for being strong and enduring, her meds caused horrible side effects but she kept taking them. She said she did it for us, the people who stayed by her side and kept on supporting and loving her. 

I've seen the full spectrum of her illness, but I'm not going anywhere. Sometimes I do feel neglected, but I couldn't care less. This may not be a smooth course but I'm sure of what we have. Even though I can't feel or hear her love for me everyday, I know that it's already an established fact. Questions and doubts are already thrown out the window and have no place in my mind anymore. Maybe between the two of us, I'm the crazier one. 

I read that almost 90% of marriages involving someone with bipolar disorder reportedly fail. Well, we'll be amongst the 10% minority. 

Tonight, I'm asking her to marry me, whether she's feeling normal or manic or depressed at the moment.