i won't go, baby

always, i'll care

Life wasn't fair; wasn't easy, but Shouto knew that. He's known that since the first day his father pushed him until he couldn't stand. He's known that since the day his mother looked at him with nothing but fear and terror in her eyes. He's known that since the day Touya disappeared. Even so, he had hope. He hoped that one day he'd find someone that wouldn't leave, who wouldn't point out his flaws; who wouldn't hurt him.

Of course, when he met Izuku Midoriya, it was easy. Izuku who was pure, who was good, who was beautiful inside and out. Izuku treated him with nothing but kindness, he gave the word friendship meaning, he supported him in everything he did and gave him everything Shouto needed, asking for nothing in return. Shouto found his hope, and it made saying goodbye even more excruciating. To this day, pushing Izuku away has been his biggest regret; but it was something he had to do. Because how could someone like Izuku love him? How could the personification of sunshine love someone like Shouto Todoroki; Shouto Todoroki who was tainted with darkness, who was stained red in the face, who thought of no one but himself? Even if Izuku felt the way Shouto felt about him, how could Shouto live with himself? How could he reciprocate the happiness he feels with Izuku when he's so emotionally stunted, so socially inept, so unintentionally cold and incapable of communicating his thoughts?

This is what he told himself at least, when he slowly started drifting away from Izuku; or is it Midoriya now? It was in their second year when he first realized that Midoriya made him feel things he wasn't sure he was capable of feeling, and it was in their third year that he made the decision that he wasn't enough for him and that he could never be.

And everytime Midoriya gives him that shy smile, everytime he looks his way in concern, everytime he knocks softly on his dorm room door and asks "Are you okay?" Shouto will always tell him "Yes, I just want to be alone for a while." and it hurts. It hurts more than Shouto thought was humanly possible. He wants to tell him that no, it isn't okay. That he wants Midoriya to please hold him for just a second, but he knows that's selfish. He knows that he can never do right by Midoriya if he does that. He sees the way people like Ochaco, Iida, and his other classmates make him laugh, make him smile, make him happy and it leaves a small smile on his face every time because people as great as his classmates care for Midoriya; it reassures him. It allows him to believe that Midoriya doesn't need him to live a happy life and it'll be better in the long-run that he removes himself from Midoriya's life.

And of course, beautiful, pure, kind Midoriya would fight to be his friend. He'd known that since the sports festival, since he saw the look of determination in his eyes as he held onto his painfully black and blue arm. His hair a mess and his body beaten, Midoriya did more for him in the span of twenty-minutes than Shouto could ever do for him. No matter how hard he tries, he'll never amount to the good that is Izuku Midoriya. This fact alone pushed Shouto to ignore his advances and motivate him through the dejected looks Midoriya gave him after Shouto denied him throughout their third and final year of highschool. He can still hear their conversation to this day, the conversation that finally shattered his aching heart and solidified their ended friendship.

"Hey, Shouto wait up! Can I talk to you real quick?" His voice, full and honey-like; it matches him. Shouto thinks before he stops and turns

"What do you want to talk about, Midoriya?" At the use of his family name, his face falls.

"What did I do? Why are you ignoring me? Because whatever I did I'm sorry, I promise I'll never do it again." Izuku looked hurt, it was after their classes, in the hallway of Shouto's dorm. He looked just as beautiful as he always does, still in his uniform with his emerald green eyes mirroring the hurt in his delicate features and his messy hair which never quite recovered from gym class earlier in the day.