Just Him 18+

chapter 5

i have been called heartless, empty, detached, cold, honestly the list goes on and on. 

in reality, i am one thing. numb

//

just like the thing with the other guy, i pretended to be proud of what happened to try and convince myself that i was okay with what happened. i wanted more than anything to just be okay. 

the tears never left and i had convinced myself that it was because it really was okay. i should have known better than to know it was okay. 

a few months go by and the days blurred together and it felt as though nothing happened. until it happened.

**

it was about six months in the relationship and we were in one of our arguments. the thing with nick is, he's a narcissist. even if your right and you have actual evidence to back it up, he will do anything and everything in his power to find a loophole and prove you wrong. he wanted nothing more than to be right about every little thing. and when he ultimately finds himself wrong he will beat you down and manipulate you until you get so tired of fighting that you just let him win. 

i was tired. i was so very tired. i had been shopping all day with mom and i was just so tired, but he would not let it go. i can't even remember what the argument was about, but eventually, like i always do, i let him win.

i really wasn't in the mood so i had decided to post on my instagram story, "why men gotta be like that". that was the only thing i had ever said.

during the rest of the day i had forgotten about the post and went over to nicks house as if nothing happened. I went into his room and laid down with him and we just took a nap together as usually because nick didn't like going out. 

when i woke up, i heard a loud banging noise. i turned around to see a furious looking nick. he shoved his phone in my face, "look at this? what the fuck do you think you doing sayin shit like this?"

i scooted back because i was afraid. nick made me fearful for the first time and i was so afraid of what he might do.

"i-i'm sorry." i stuttered out.

nick paces back and forth for a minute. "everyone knows it's about me! everyone at school knows about it now! do you understand how disrespectful this is?! you have ruined my name! i can't even trust you with social media! delete it right now! delete your whole instagram right now!" nick doesn't even give me a second to respond to anything. he just continues to yell at me.

i grab my phone from the counter and delete the app off my phone and show nick. tears started to spring from my eyes as i saw how angry he was. he looks at me with even more anger. 

i see him rear his fist back and for the first time i am afraid he will hit me.  i closed my eyes and waited for impact with hot tears running down my face. i heard another banging noise and i opened my eyes and saw what he did. nick had punched his side table so hard that the wood had split in the middle and the legs of the table collapsed in on itself. 

fear trembled down my spin because i knew in my heart that he wanted to hit me. i knew he wanted to. 

that night i had to call my mom to come and get me. nick had refused to drive me home and didn't want to look at me so he had forced me to stand outside and wait for my mom to get here. 

it was hard to understand the fact that he wanted to hurt me, and i knew right then that i needed to end the relationship, but i was afraid. i was afraid of nick and i was afraid of what he would do to me.

so i stayed and that was probably the worst decision i could have ever made. 

**

another few months go by and nick has decided he wanted to "teach me how to fight". i knew how to fight. my dad was a cop for god sakes, i knew basic self defence. but nick was convinced that he knew better than what they teach at the police academy. so i let me teach me. i mean what was the worst that could happen?

i will tell you. 

it was soft punches only because i didn't want to hurt nick. so i would go and get in stance and he would knock me to the ground. hard.

he would knock the breath out of my lung. again. and again, and again. 

so then i tried to block his punches, and he wouldn't let me. he would punch harder. and again knock me to the ground and take the breath out of my lungs. 

it went on for about two hours. just of him knocking me down and punching me and hitting me. obviously i would not be able to fight him off if he went full force on me. it was supposed to be informational. instead nick just used me as a demonstration dummy. 

that was the thing about nick, he never felt bad for the marks he left on me. that was the first day that things got physical with him. why did i stay? because i was afraid. nick had clearly shown his dominance over me and nothing could argue with the fact that he could in fact hurt in me every way possible. 

physically, i knew that nick could hurt me, but i never thought he was capable until this day. when he showed that he is not afraid to hurt me. but more he wasn't sorry if he did. 

i remember all throughout that day i had asked nick if he could could be more gentle, if he could stop pushing me so hard. 

his response was, "how would you learn to get back up if you don't  know what it's like to fall down?" it is very wise in theory, but the execution was brutal.

at one point nick had pushed me so hard that when i fell i hit a stick and i blacked out for a minute. i woke up gasping for air and hearing nick yelling for me to get up. he never showed any remorse for the pain he was inflicting on me. 

what was really sad was this was just the beginning.

my parents and people around me would ask me where the bruises came from and i would just laugh it off and say that i was anemic and i bruise easy. i knew that what nick was doing was not okay, but i never did nor do i now classify that as abuse. he got to physical, but i know that it could be a lot worse. 

at that time it was thankful that he wasn't actually hitting me on the regular and i knew that he shouldn't have hit me at all, but what he actually did to me was so much worse than i could have possible imagined. it was so much worse than getting hit. 

i would take so many punches over what nick really did to hurt me.

//

nick was a special person who thought that he could do no wrong and i don't know him now, but people don't change that much.

if you know anyone that is in a relationship like this or if you see the signs in your partner or of the partners of loved ones please notify the right authorities. that maybe parents or (although i hope not) the police. just stay safe my lovies.

a/n: sorry i know it's short, but the next one will be longer and more intense than all of the others. so for one be careful for trigger warnings and two it might take me longer to upload it because it is really hard for me to talk about.