Profilers in Paris } s.r.

Chapter 12 - please forgive me

Finally, you reached the hotel lobby, mind spinning with possible conversation starters. You inhaled deeply and gave the receptionist a small, sad smile as you meandered through the large room and towards the row of elevators. As each moment passed your heart beat faster, wondering if he would even still be in the room. A small ping of the elevator grabbed your attention and a familiar face walked out. 

"Hey, y/n!" Emily said excitedly "Where have you been?!" 

"I just needed some air" you responded quickly, keeping your gaze towards the floor

She seemed to have picked up on your mood and didn't press the issue any further.

"Okay, well Penny, Derek, and I are headed to the Eiffel tower - I'm meeting them there if you want to join me? I knocked on your door but there was no answer so I texted Spence to invite him too." 

"I think I need a bit of rest, but thank you for the offer I hope you guys have a ton of fun. Send pictures!" you say in your best normal voice, tone beginning to waver at the mention of Spencer.

She nods and smiles and makes her way past you to head out. The Eiffel Tower was definitely on your must-see list, but this was far more important right now. You could not let another second go by with Spencer thinking you didn't love him. You weren't even sure if you really could tell him that, maybe you'd leave that part out. It had only been a few days, but these feelings had clearly always been there in the back of your mind it just took this trip to pull them out. You were never the type to say I love you so quickly, and never the first to say it either. This just came so naturally to you, much like a quote you've heard once before. 

"It was instinctive the way I fell for you. Like an effortless intake of breath." - Josh Walker

You'd seen it on a trinket somewhere and although it stuck with you all this time you never truly identified with it. Not until now. You're not sure exactly when you fell for Spencer because it wasn't just one moment it was all of them. It wasn't one thing it was everything.

Before you knew it your body was acting on it's own and you were standing outside your shared hotel door. You took one last breath in, doing your best to calm your rapid heart and raised your right hand to knock, softly, three times. You didn't know what to expect, you weren't even sure if he would open the door, let alone be in the room. After a few minutes of silence you decide to use your own keycard, he must not be in the room. You pull the card from your pocket and hold it to the keypad, illuminating it green and unlocking the door. Gently, you push it open and enter the foyer. Putting your purse on the table by the door you turn the corner and see Spencer cuddled up with a pillow, laying on top of the bed sheets, fully clothed. His face was flushed, like he had been crying and he was holding onto the pillow for dear life. 

Seeing him like this absolutely broke you. To know that you caused him so much pain that he cried himself to sleep made tears prick the outside of your eyes, but you quickly blinked them away.

This isn't about you, y/n.

You sat in a chair against the window, just watching his chest rise and fall with every breath. He looked so peaceful though you knew he was fighting demons internally. Suddenly a loud ring comes from your purse and your stomach drops. You quickly stand and run over to your purse, sifting through layers of things to silence your phone. You manage to shut it off and release the breath you were holding, silently praying you hadn't woken Spencer. As you begin to turn your body around back towards the chair you were sat in, your eyes meet. 

Spencer is slightly propped up on his elbows, eyes half open with eyebrows furrowed. Neither of you speak, just sit in silence for a moment while you stare and he gets his bearings. 

"Hi" you finally choke out, and he looks at you for a moment more before reaching for his phone on the bedside table and checking his messages. 

I guess we're getting the silent treatment. 

"Look, I want to apologize." He still says nothing, but moves his eyes from his phone to you...progress. He waits for you to continue. "I'm not sure why I said those things to Derek, and I will hate myself forever for it. Honestly, I think I was just scared."

"Scared of what?" he interrupts and you stop, taken aback that he spoke at all. 

"Um, I'm not entirely sure.." you lie. He shakes his head and starts back on his phone, scrolling aimlessly. You begin to pick at the skin around your fingernails. 

Ok, you need to be totally honest here. That's the only way he will understand. You inhale deeply. 

"Actually.. I do know why I was scared. I was scared because I think.. that I love - or - that I'm falling in l-love with you." you manage to say, and his head shoots up from his phone quickly, mouth beginning to open slightly in shock. 

"I know we've only been doing this for less than a week and that seems really fast but Spence..  --sigh- I think.. I think I've always loved you? I definitely loved you before as a friend or even family, but the time it took me to jump from platonic love to romantic love scared me.. a lot. One day I was happy you were around and the next I felt like I would die without you. Relying so heavily on someone else for your own happiness... it's scary when you've never dealt with it before." 

He still stares in silence as the two of you just sit. You just spilled your heart out to him and he may not even feel the same way. You start to pack up your purse again when you hear him clear his throat.

"What you said really hurt. I've been made fun of all my life for being different and -I don't know- what you said just felt like that all over again. It reminded me of my past trauma and so I suppose I could have become more angry because of that. Maybe not all of my anger should have been directed at you.." he starts and the smallest of smiles arises on your face.

"And maybe.. I'm starting to fall for you too." 

With that, a full smile raises to your face. He didn't say he forgave you and you imagine it will take a bit of time to forgive and completely heal from this, but this is definitely a good sign. A smile slowly forms on his face as well, as he completely sits up on the bed, patting the top cover asking you to come sit with him. You quickly stand and move to the bed, inches from him. You can feel his breath on your face as he speaks again. 

"You know, I've heard about makeup sex but never gotten to try it before.." he says in a low, husky voice that gave you goosebumps. You smirk and raise your eyebrows a bit, leaning closer to him so there is barely any space between your lips. 

"Oh yeah? Let's fix that, shall we?" as you close the gap between you two, kissing passionately and with more fervor than any other time you've done this together. A large weight feels like it has been lifted off your shoulders and you could finally breath again, with the help of Spencer.

**A/N: Hello sorry my updates are kinda infrequent! But if you need something else to read I have a few chapters of my new Luke fic out on my page and should be updating that today too! thanks for reading, next chapter will have smut don't worry ;) xo jess "