Eat This!

Part 1: Eat This!

Before reading I'd like to warn you all that this story sprinkles a few curse words here and there; if you're not allowed to look at such words, or if the sort just offend you then turn thy head right now. Here lies one of my many attempts at writing stories and, admittedly, I'm pretty much making this up as I go along. It's a good ol' zombie novel since that's what I know best with light humour running throughout the course. Hope you enjoy and I'd love to hear any critism's you guys have for me. Thanks, Brendan xxxxx

Tick, tick, tick.

All that was audible from my office cubicle was the hum-drumming sound of fingers tip-tapping on keyboards and that vexatious; oh god that repetitive ticking of a clock sounding from behind me on the wall, as if trying to remind me that all my aspirations and goals had long fizzled from this lifetime, the very moment I had sold my soul to become a “Valiant member of one of Leeds'... No, no, one of England's finest recruitment companies C.A.P Corp!” What a load of bull-spunk, more like an underpaid, overworked keyboard slave jumping through endless hoops of fire only to have gallons of, purely metaphorical, shit gracefully dolloped all over your head by your gangly-ass boss, with the only inch of satisfaction in knowing that on the fateful night you finally reach the end of your tether that you could rip him apart with ease; but in the end that only made you feel worse that you're a puppet in his undoubtedly miserable life.

“Jezzy! Jezzy!” Brilliant. The night was coming close to an end and if I had thought for once I'd have gotten through the day without Geoffrey attacking me with the barrage of shit that seems to endlessly fall out of his mouth, I was wrong. I quickly searched the room to make sure no one caught me talking to this genetic throwback, It was just the two of us – I hadn't noticed in my trance-like rant earlier that everyone had gone, I checked back to the demon clock behind me and was struck with confusion when it relayed to me that we had yet another hour to pass before our release from the grasps of this hellish limbo.“Jezzy!” He screeched once more, spitting at me every time he opened that foghorn of his. Right, that just about does it - he's next on my list of rippery.

“What do you want?” I sighed, making a conscious effort to keep my trembling foot from rising off the floor and placing itself elegantly upon his rear.

“Have you heard the news!?” ...Eager beaver.

“Yes.” I hadn't. Unfortunately for me, dead-pan delivery wasn't enough to cool Geoffrey's jets, he was usually energetic but this time he seemed different, perhaps panicked. “What is it G-man, it's the last thing on a busy Friday night; do you not have a League of Legends clan-war to get too?”

“The servers are down for patching, they're getting rid of the bug that randomly disconnects pla-” I sighed heavily to interrupt his sentence. What? You didn't want him thinking I actually cared about his alter-ego PenisEater69 and his idiotic band of brothers did you? He looked at me concerned and ran back to his office cubicle further up the room from me.

“Dude come on, I didn't mean it!” He bent down on his desk and picked something up. Great, this is it, all this time I've spent ridiculing him has come back to bite me in the arse, I wonder what it's going to be a gun? A knife? Was he capable of murder? No, surely not... I mean, at least I talked to him right? Perhaps I could salvage the situation by telling him his tie-dye socks brought out his ankles, or that he wouldn't get any experience points in the event of a real-life execution. He came running back towards me, just before my life had the chance to flash before my eyes I glanced upon his weapon of choice. Maybe it was a ninja star? In an unexpected turn of events he was holding up a radio, not unlike the way Link holds up his sword every now and then. After his moment of – whatever the hell it was – he ran back to my cubicle and placed the radio on the desk, switched it on. “What do you think you're doing?” I snapped.

“Oh, you really don't know?” His voice seemed to take an unnatural turn to seriousness, I exchanged a pissed off look. “Were you sleeping when everyone left?” I explained to him that I must have zoned out whilst looking into the monitor of my computer, I didn't like this serious evolution of G-Man, not one bit. “Just... Listen.” He turned the radio up.