Eat This!

Part 2: 'Super Flu'

 *York – England, not to be mistaken for New York

**Human Centipede – Google it. ;)

Of course, like anyone who wasn't clinically insane, I couldn't quite believe what the radio was telling me – The same message played over and over again, spoken in a monotonous professionalism, the woman's voice had a cold tinge, I had figured that the message was recorded and playing on a loop. The first thought that occurred to me was that perhaps I was, unknowingly, the protagonist of an elaborate mass-prank; the second reassuring myself that everyone on my office floor was either socially handicapped or just too darn stupid. I looked across to Geoffrey with an eyebrow raised and I remained silent, he seemed distressed and panicked, I held my gaze at him until he noticed.

We had been standing there for almost seven seconds as my eyes softly penetrated his, our noses practically touching as he stood stiff like he'd just engaged in a staring competition with Medusa. I waited whilst Geoff became visibly more uncomfortable by the second, through his eyes I could see my reflection, the worn out face of a thirty-year-old man and the five o' clock shadow accompanying it, the 'average Joe' short back and sides hairstyle in a dull shade of brown, the frayed fringe no doubt caused by the stress that churned inside me permanently, but god-damn I was handsome, I looked like a mix between George Clooney and Johnny Depp In their primes with little sprinkles  of Ryan Reynolds and that guy in Twilight.

I took a deep breath and furrowed my brows, “Boo.” Geoff's skeleton almost made a run for it as he jumped back against my office cubicle wall to the right of me, his broken-voiced shriek had me in stitches. I managed to regain my composure and after feeding on his pain, I shook my head and looked back at the radio which had been playing the same message over and over throughout my crazy antics. I reached out and turned a knob in search of a different channel. Yup, every channel was broadcasting the same message from the same voice. I wondered briefly how much money this woman had earned spewing out just this very one message, in all its obscurities.

“Attention: Citizens of the Yorkshire area, we interrupt all broadcasts to give a very important message. There has been signs of a contagious infection within York, the infection is spreading at an alarming rate of pace and is heading towards areas such as Leeds, Wetherby and Harrogate. The source of this virus is unknown, all we know is that the infected individuals are showing symptoms of a 'Super Flu' of sorts, our main cause for concern is the extremely aggressive nature this infection is giving the infected individuals. It is highly recommended everyone return to their homes and await further news, and please do not approach anyone whom you think may be infected. Thank you.” An eerie five second tone, and the messaged looped again.

I turned the radio down and looked towards Geoff who was still breathing heavily after his big shock, he was sat up against the office cubicle wall. “Sorry, G-bomb. That was probably in bad taste.” I gave him an awkward, forced smile as I curled up the left corner of my mouth, my cheeks twitched as the rusty machinery of my face attempted to limbre itself up for its first stretch in a good long time. This made me feel like a fool, smiling wasn't featuring on my limited list of talents any time soon. I extended a hand out and pulled the stick-insect-like man-boy up to his feet. Sure, he was irritating enough, but I needed someone to share this 'Super Flu' confusion with. He took a big breath of bravery and opened them naïve voice-flaps of his.

“You.. You... Y-” He gulped and hung his head. I squinted my eyes impatiently, and scratched underneath my chin with my thumb. I loved the sound of stubble being scratched. It was probably only second to the satisfaction you get from popping the air bubbles you get in parcels. He piped up again, “You live alone right!?”

I dropped my hand from under my chin back to my sides, “What's it to you, Sheldon?” I said with my head slightly tilted. My mocking reference obviously struck unbeknownst to him. He nervously adjusted his glasses, I didn't like where this was going. Had he got the wrong message with my eye contact earlier? Was he going to ask if he can stay at my house, cuddle up in pyjamas and watch E.T with him whilst we eat marshmallows dipped in chocolate sauce?

“Well... You heard the message on the radio.” he started to wiggle his feet uncomfortably, I prepared myself to punch him in the jaw. “I don't feel safe walking the streets, and you have a car. No offence, but you don't really have anywhere to go. Can you take me home?” he sighed a breath of relief after the monumental task of structuring a whole sentence was over. Bastard! He didn't even want to watch E.T, he was just planning on using me for my car!

About a million and two insulting rejections sprung to mind, floating around in my head shouting 'Pick me, pick me!' My brain must have short-circuited and I just burst into uncontrollable laughter. I turned around to pick up my coat. “Can I take you home?” I managed to ask in a saracstic and rhetorical voice, through bursts of laughter. I threw the coat on and met Geoffrey's gaze once more, his shoulders had slumped and he looked as if he was about to burst into tears. “G-man. I would rather spend the night in the middle of an all-male human centipede** than take you back to your mum and dad's basement to engage in a heated battle of Dungens & Dragons” At this I head towards the exit, shaking my head once more at Geoff. Chuckling to myself I left the building.

As I walked down the stairs of the multi-story car park I couldn't hear a thing. There was an eerie silence in the wind. It was far too quiet for a late Friday night, this made me think about the message on the radio. It has to be a big deal if this place isn't crawling with drunkards and chavs. The clip-clopping of my worn out shoes were the only thing accompanying me on the harrowing journey to my car, which fortunately for me lasted as long as the flavour in fresh chewing gum. I fumbled for my keys in my coat pocket and got into my black Ford Escort when I saw a shadowy object dance across my rear-view mirror. Deciding to ignore it I turned on the engine, which immediately triggered the flurescent green coloured radio.

“Attention: Citizens of the Yorkshire area, we interrupt all broadcasts to give a very important message. There has been signs of a contagious infection within York, the infection is spreading at an alarming rate of pace and is heading towards areas such as Leeds, Wetherby and Harrogate. The source of this virus is unknown, all we know is that the infected individuals are showing symptoms of a 'Super Flu' of sorts, our main cause for concern is the extremely aggressive nature this infection is giving the infected individuals. It is highly recommended everyone return to their homes and await further news, and please do not approach anyone whom you think may be infected. Thank you.”

“God damn-it.” I turned the radio off and stepped out of my car, I knew exactly who that shadowy figure was, but what had mystified me was why I was turning back to approach him. “Geoff. Come on – I'll take you home.” Geoffrey emerged from the shadow, with the nerdiest smile you will ever see, he ran towards me like a loyal puppy. A loyal puppy you'd love to dropkick in the nuts. I knew I normally would have regretted this adventure with Spock. Only the big man in the sky knows why I'd do such a thing, he was right about one thing though, I had no-one to go to and nothing to better to do.