Kpop Soloist

Its ok to grieve

[AN: So this chapter is a lot sadder then others. This chapter is to show things Serenity has kept to herself for years. You never know what the last words you say to someone are and how it will affect it you when you lose them.]

[TW: mentions of suicide, death and depression.]
December 17/18 2020 (23:59)

I was sitting in front of my living room window staring up at the moon. I was holding a cup of tea while staring completely zoned out. There was no lights on in my apartment the only light coming in was from the moon. A blanket was covering my shoulders. I don't move when my front door opens

"Jagiya?"
"Did I ever tell you the reason I don't say hate?"

I feel him sit beside me I don't look at him

"I've only told SHINee this but I fought with Jonghyun only the day before he took his life."

His arm wraps around my shoulders my head hangs as my hair falls over my shoulders

"We both yelled at each other and I just remember screaming that I hate you to him. It was only after we hung up that I said to myself that I'd apologise to him when I saw him again because I could never hate him. Coming back to Korea and finding out that he committed suicide something inside me broke."

The cup is moved from my hands as I cry

"I thought that it was my fault. I felt guilty that I shouldn't go to his funeral but my manager forced me. At that point my depression was bad and I couldn't breathe. I tried not to tell SHINee but it slipped out only a few months after his death. I had started to cry while saying I didn't mean it over and over again, I felt guilty on grieving over his death."

I'm pulled against his chest as I cried

"Jinki-Oppa just pulled me into a hug and said it wasn't my fault, that Jonghyun knew I didn't mean it and that I loved him. I broke down into his arms."

His hand runs through my hair as I cried

"He knew you truly didn't mean it."
"It hurts, I feel guilty grieving him"
"It's ok to grieve"

I just let him hug me while running a hand through my hair

"I miss him"
"He's watching over you"
"Did I ever tell you about the time he accidentally handcuffed us together?"
"No"

I chuckle softly but also wetly from my tears

"It was after an I miss the misery performance and I was messing with a pair of handcuffs. He thought it would be fun to put them around our wrists and close them but we had to find my manager because he had the key."

More tears fell from my eyes as I think of all the happy moments

"This career is cruel"
"Hyung once told me to be there for you"

I look up at him and he wipes away my tears

"Really?"
"Yeah said to be there when you are sad especially if he couldn't be there for you and now I understand why."

He moves to fix the blanket around both of us

"I think he's happier now"
"He's no longer in pain"

I feel my eyes grow heavy

"Jagiya look"

The sky had gained a teal tint to it which causes me to smile.

"He's happier"
"That he is."

Jaehyun pulls me closer as we look out the window. He begins to hum a song.

Maybe it's time to stop blaming myself, maybe now I will let myself grieve