Sincerely, Harry || Homicidal Prequel

Entry 13

Dear diary,

I'm in the lounge area right now. I go to the games room once a day, but I've never been in the lounge. I'm writing in this diary right now, kind of as a comfort. I'm uncomfortable. I don't like being around a lot of people, especially when they're staring at me like this.

I got Alyssa's letter today. It's been a full month since she left here. She told me in the letter that she's not coming to visit me anymore. Here, I'm going to staple the letter in here so I don't lose it:

Harry,

The real world is scary compared to West Rock. I turned eighteen two days ago and I completely ditched my plans to get my own place. I'm not ready to face the world on my own. Everything is so much more expensive now, and jobs are harder to get, and someone with my history with schooling and the likes is sort of shunned in society.

Be thankful you have the staff at West Rock to protect you. Out here, you don't get put in the calm room if you have a panic attack or just need time to relax. You just get judged. I'm back in regular high school, upon the suggestion of the therapist I had at the asylum, and I hate it. Being called suicidal, an attention seeker, and a faker is not fun. And I get it every day, too.

I'm hurting, Harry. I miss having you to talk to when things get tough, and it's tough right now. It's hard switching from being safe from all of this shit twenty four seven and having to deal with it without a bunch of nurses. The teachers don't care in high school. That's one thing I forgot about. They have too many kids to teach and don't get paid enough to worry about one student's problems. So when you go back to school, I wish you the best of luck—it's not at all what you remember. Considering you left school in eighth grade and have been doing all your classes in West Rock and in juvie, I'm even going to go as far as saying I'm praying for you.

Harry, I can't visit you. I know I promised, but I just can't, so I'm going to try and make this letter your closure. I know you expected to here from me way before now, but I didn't think it would be this hard just to live day to day. My medication isn't working the same as before, but it's dangerous to up my dosage right now, so I just have to tough it out.

Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right, either. I don't really know how to explain what I'm feeling, so I'm not going to try because I'm just going to sound stupid. So I'm just going to get to my explanation.

Right now, I'm focusing all my energy on getting stable again. I'm trying to let everything bad go, and it's hard, which is why I need to cut all ties with you. I know this must be tough for you to hear, because it's tough for me to tell you and to decide. Unfortunately, you're part of my memories of West Rock, and letting those go means letting you go.

I don't like this decision, but I have to do it. I still love you, Harry, and I'm clinging to memories of us when what I need is to move on. I'm trying to meet new people and fall out of love with you. I have a new therapist and I love her, she's so helpful. She recommended youth groups so I can meet new people and forget about you. I went to one and there's this guy there that I'm interested in. His name is Leo and he looks like you, so my therapist suggested finding someone I didn't automatically see you in. In her words: “That way, you will be able to forget about him and live your life freely. If you see Harry in that boy, you are going to try and live out your memories with him through Leo, and that isn't healthy.” I agree with her.

He asked me on a date, but I said no. Then I quit that youth group and I'm going to a different one, where no one looks like you. I'm doing a bit better now. Eventually it's all going to work out. One day, you will no more but a memory, and I'll be in love for real. As I write this, I know how much this is going to hurt you, but I think you need to hear it and I definitely need to say it.

So, I just have one more thing to say before I end this letter, and that is wishing you a happy life. I meant what I said the day I got released. One day, you're going to fall in love, and it's going to be real. (Let's be honest, what we had in the asylum was more of a comfort than love, and I'm still trying to come to terms with that.) When that day comes, I want you to forget about Dustin, and me, and whatever shit has happened to you in your life and what's going to happen.

Harry, I'm not going to talk to you as someone who knows what love feels like. I'm going to talk to you as someone who know you at one of the worst parts in your life and still cared about you. That being said, I don't know what love feels like, so bear with me, okay?

When you fall in love with someone that's going to love you back, I want you to allow yourself to go head over heels for them. I know your images of relationships is screwed up, but I promise you that true love exists. My parents are in it, my grandparents are in it, and so many more people that I don't have the time to name. You deserve the truest kind of love there is—you deserve to be cherished. One day, someone is going to want to take the time to get to know you. They're going to want to kiss you all over and touch you all the time, spend their days being with you. That is what you deserve, not what Dustin gave you. You are worth it, Harry. Love is going to find you sooner than you think.

Now that I have this off my chest, I'm going to end this letter. When you get out of the asylum, you're going to have dark days. When you do, I want you to remember what I told you and power through. I wish you the best of luck in high school, in foster care, and in the real world.

All my love,

Alyssa.

There, it's stapeled in. Anderson just invited me to a game of cards and I think I'm going to join him. I'll write soon.

Sincerely,

Harry.