You Will Never Understand

Chapter Two

After we got back home, I just went up into my room and played down. I was feeling embarrassed, angry, and disconsolate. My mind kept flashing back to what happened a few years ago. Everyone knows what happened, they never believed. They called me a liar, a whore, or an attention speaker. But if I was lying about it, then I wouldn't wake up screaming and crying every night because of nightmares. 

Images had been passing through my head for about 20 minutes and I hadn't even realized I started crying until I heard a knock on the door. I quickly wiped my tears so whoever it was wouldn't see that I was crying. I don't cry in front of people. I believe in crying on your own in the dark at 1 am. 

The door opened up and Xavier appeared. I'm not sure why he's in here, usually, Max comforts me about this. He came over and sat by me not saying a word. I was waiting for him to speak, but he literally said nothing, so for about ten minutes we were just sitting there not a sound coming out of each of our mouths. 

Before I could even get a word out I started laughing. Laughing is how I tend to cover up my anxiety or sadness. I've always been told it's not the healthiest way to express how I feel, but it's just what happens when I get sad.

"Why are you laughing?" Xavier asked. He looked at me with a worried look on his face. I just continued laughing.

"Because you, the Xavier, who always has something to say, can't think of anything right now. I'm so fucking screwed up that you know you can't say anything to fix it. And I am so fucking pathetic that it's funny," I replied to him. 

"You are not screwed up or pathetic. You went through a traumatic experience."

"You are wrong. I am broken. You know that. I haven't actually been happy since my 8th-grade year. How can you say I'm not fucked up," I yelled. Suddenly tears started streaming down my face. I tried so hard to hold it in but I couldn't. Xavier pulled me into a hug and just rocked me back and forth. 

How did my life end up here, I thought. I used to be happy. I used to not cry myself to sleep or sometimes have to have someone sleep with me because I'm too scared that he will come back. He always seems to come back. 

*****

After an hour of just crying in Xavier's arms, I went downstairs. I told him beforehand to not bring up the fact that I just bawled my fucking eyes out to the others. Thankfully, he didn't.

I walked over to the fridge and grabbed a container of cherries. They are the only fruit I will eat. I grabbed one and popped it out throwing the stem in the trash. I checked the clock to see what time it is.

3:57 pm. Max and I have about an hour before our shift starts. I popped another cherry in my mouth. I debated on whether I should go ahead and start getting changed or not. I chose not.

I waited for about another fifteen minutes and then finally got the energy to go upstairs and put on my uniform. I slipped on a white, button-down and tucked it into a pair of black skinny jeans. I put on a vest and threw my hair up in a messy ponytail. I put on some silver hoop earrings and a matching silver necklace from my parents. I slipped on black, suede boots and walked down the stairs. 

To save gas money, Max and I ride together. This week it was my turn to drive. I grabbed my purse, phone, and other necessities and walked out the front door. Max was already waiting on the passenger's side ready to leave. I dug the keys out of my purse and unlocked my truck.

It is a red 2013 Dodge Dakota. Since I started working at age thirteen, I had enough money by the time my sixteenth birthday came around to buy it. I've been driving it since. Everyone always says I look funny when I drive it because I don't dress like a country girl. I usually just reply with well at least I actually worked for mine and they tend to shut up. And frankly, the day I show up to school in a flannel button-down, boot-cut jeans, and cowboy boots will be the day that the zombie apocalypse happens.