𝙽𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝙴𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑

Twenty-Two

Jess

Joe Green was Nikolai Ivanov. I tried to put the two names together. I remembered Grayson talking about him sometimes, back in the day. He wasn't supposed to tell me his business, really, but there were times when shit hit the fan and he needed to confide in me. That's what I was there for, or so I told him. So I told myself.

Nikolai. He was a bad, bad man. Not like I needed the reminder, since he shoved me in a trunk and drove off with me. I had no idea where we were going. I wasn't even sure how long I'd been in there. At first, I'd tried to count off the seconds as a way to keep track of time and keep the panic from rising in my chest. If I could focus on counting, I would be all right. That hadn't worked, and soon I'd lost track of the numbers. I couldn't help but worry about my baby. What did he think when he came out to the living room and found Tony the way they'd left him? What did he think when he found I wasn't there?

I can't think about that. I'll go crazy. It wasn't productive. It wouldn't get me out of there.

What would? I wasn't strong enough. I could never overpower them if Tony couldn't. And Grayson had no idea where I was.

Grayson. My heart ached. I had tried so hard to spare him the madness, but he was at the heart of it. It had taken seven years, but I'd managed to ruin his life despite my attempts to keep him safe.

What did he think? I didn't have to ponder that question for long. He would be out for blood. I hoped he would get it, one day. I didn't think I would see that day, though. Nikolai would kill me.

I wasn't ready. There was too much to do. I was too young. It wasn't fair. All that and more went through my head. One thought stood out above the rest: I loved Grayson, and I had already lost so many years with him. I had to make up for that. It wasn't fair that he would come back into my life for such a short time, just for me to leave him.

Would he ever know why I left? I didn't think so, since Tony was probably dead. I remembered all the good times with him, especially when we were kids. He always defended me, protected me, treated me like a little sister. And I couldn't do anything to help him. If it hadn't been for me, he would have been okay. They attacked him because he tried to help me. And I couldn't do anything for him.

A cry escaped my throat, and I gave way to it. If they didn't like me crying in the trunk, so be it. I didn't know who drove or who sat in the car. They would have to deal with hearing me cry. It was payment for putting me in the trunk.

I cried for Tony, remembering the time he threatened to beat up my father for me when he gave me a hard time about coming home too late. I had been hanging around with Grayson and Tony, of course-a fact which only made my father angrier, as he didn't like me spending time with "wild" boys. I was just as wild as they were, but he didn't want to hear about that. He thought they were a bad influence, when really, I gravitated toward them because I was wild and needed somebody to be wild with.

I might not have been wild on the outside, the way some girls were. I was never promiscuous, never did drugs or drank. I rarely even broke curfew. But I had a wild heart. I wanted to do all those things-if anything, it was Tony who kept me on the straight and narrow. He took better care of me than my father, and was probably better than any brother I could have had. The first time I tried a cigarette, he railed against smoking for hours. Of course, he was already a smoker. "I don't wanna see you hooked on these things!" he'd yelled, throwing the pack into the river that ran not far from our neighborhood. We used to hang out along the old, unused docks. I was sure they could hear him on the other side of the river, he'd yelled so loud.

Another time, a rival club member had decided to go after me. Instead of Grayson fighting the guy, Tony had stepped up to protect his "Lil Sis," as he used to call me sometimes. He'd protected my honor, he said, so nobody would think I was just some skank, up for grabs to whoever paid attention to me. It was a lesson nobody in our neighborhood soon forgot, as Tony made sure everybody knew I was spoken for. There was a time of two when I'd wondered if Tony might have a crush on me, but it became clear that he really just wanted to protect me like a brother. I would never forget that.