The Science And Theory Of Beating The Fuck Out Of Yourself

And don't you ever feel alone?

"Okay what the hell was that!?" Vic finally screamed at me when we got in the car.

"Hey if they're going to get to know me, they better know the real me." I said. His fingers tightened around the steering wheel and I could see how mad he was in the way his nostrils flared. The principal had let me off with a week of detention and Jason with two. I think she went easy on him because she didn't want to give Vic a bad impression.

"Are you trying to get kicked out before you're even in?" Vic asked. I rolled my eyes.

"I wasn't exactly trying."

"Well you're doing a damn fine job of it all by your real self, huh?" He spat. "You know I don't even get what is with you. Your innate talent to screw things up in phenomenal!" He sighed and continued driving. "Fucking alcohol in school... What were you planning to do? Shit-face your way through a math test or something? God what were you even thinking!?" His voice was getting louder and louder and I sunk deeper into the seat. He paused like he was waiting for an answer.

"I-I don't know..." I mumbled. In all honesty, I didn't know. Vic was right, it was a pretty dumb idea. He glanced at me as we pulled into our driveway.

"No, really, I want to know. Why did you think that going to school drunk was a good idea? Or a better question; do you think anyone in their right mind would do something that stupid?" He didn't wait for me to reply, he just got out of the car, slamming the door behind him and walked up to the front door. I followed him, careful to stay out of his way. He dropped his keys on the counter and leaned against it. I stood slightly away as he stared at me. The complete look of dissatisfaction and disappointment he gave me burned. This wasn't the worst thing I'd done, but for some reason it seemed to bother him. "I can't believe you, Jodie Mae Andrews. That was a bullshit move." He said in a calmer tone. that's really what scared me. He looked completely exasperated.

"I'm sorry, Da--" I started.

"No, you know what? I don't want to hear it." He said, shushing me. He sighed and waved me away. "Just...go to your room." He ordered. I swallowed hard and slowly went upstairs. I glanced back over the railing at him. He was pinching the bridge of his nose and he shook his head slightly. I turned and walked down the hall to my room.

I felt horrible. I wasn't sure why, but this meant a lot to Vic, and I screwed it up. Just like I screw everything up. He's spent so much time making sure I was safe and that I always had everything I needed, and I took advantage of his passive authority. I always did and I knew he hated it.

I slowly walked into my room and sat on my bed carefully. I felt like I had to be quiet or I would piss off Vic even more. I swallowed hard and replayed what he had said in my head. The way I screw everything up; everything. Because of me the guys canceled their tour. They came after me whenever I ran away and Vic had to take me all the way to Mexico. Now this. Vic hates me, I know he does. He'll probably disown me or something. That's what it sounded like when he said me name. Andrews. Not Fuentes, Andrews. He doesn't even want me anymore.

I felt tears stinging my eyes and my breath caught in my throat. I hated crying; I'd been doing a lot of that lately, hating. And crying. It's all getting worse. I swear I'm going crazy and it's pissing everyone off. I know I'm not the best daughter, or friend, or person in general, I just didn't think that everyone would give up on me like this.

Everyone's sick of me. I piss off Vic more than get along with him. I punched Collin and now he won't talk to me, and Jenny never really calls me now that she got put in a foster home. I'm going to fail out of school anyways, so what's the point of going? What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I heard the front door open and some people walk in. It was probably the rest of the guys. They had been at the studio all day as far as I knew. Vic was probably supposed to meet them there once he got me into school.

"Hey, Vic, where were you man?" Someone asked. It was definitely Mike. After that I heard muffled speech, but nothing I could make out. It was obvious they were talking about me or they wouldn't bother being so quiet.

Jo's being a bitch again Vic would probably say. I've wasted so much time on her and now she goes and fucks up again. Again. I hate how she does this. I hate her.

Mom did, why wouldn't he? He never asked for a kid. He never wanted some fucked up teenage girl ruining his life.

I pushed my almost-empty backpack off my bed and onto the floor and scooted back to the headboard. I was breathing rapidly and shaking like mad. I felt like I had lost control of everything; the way I acted, the people I hurt, now my whole body. I swallowed hard and let the sobs escape quietly. My throat was aching and I just wanted to disappear into the darkness.

Why would he say that? Why would he say those things to me? He kept saying he loved me. He always said that no matter what he would always love me. Why did he say that if it was never true? He said that he wanted me. He said everything would be okay. He lied.

I curled up and held my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth to try and calm down. I pulled a blanket over myself as I pulled nervously at my hair. Vic's going to leave me. He's going to throw me back on the streets to live by myself. I can't go back. I can't live like that anymore. I love the guys. I love Vic, and touring and the music the guys make. I need them. I'll die without them.

Why do I do the things I do? Why do I turn everyone against me?