The Slut's Guide to Chess

chapter 20

The day after my sister died, I snuck out of the Blackwell campus to clear my head. In the early hours of the morning, I slipped past Eliott's sleeping form, out to the building and crept to the gates before weaving my way through the trees and hedges that surrounded the school. It was a winter day and the roads were icier than normal. My heart beat erratically but I didn't cry. I had done enough crying.

I stared forward as my whole body felt like a shell. It was empty of thoughts or reactions or emotions. I was empty.

I didn't get very far before four or five reporters flocked to my side. The memory was hazy in my mind, I didn't think I was ever truly awake during those first few weeks after Kennedy's passing. What I did remember was the flash of lights and screeching voices of journalists who couldn't believe their luck. They'd managed to corner a McQueen family member to discuss the death of such a young soul.

My eyes were open but they weren't seeing. I tried to scream for help but nothing came out. I felt like I was drowning, being pulled by my ankles deeper and deeper while I struggled for breath. It was excruciating but all I could think about was Kennedy and how this couldn't be real. How was I possibly alive in a universe where my sister wasn't?

When I heard the news and read the paper, the name Kennedy McQueen didn't look like my Kennedy McQueen. It couldn't have been my big sister who cuddled me in the nights when I cried about how horrible the first day of school was. My best friend who'd stuck by my side when our mother left as though she'd never been there to begin with. The girl who did my edges after braiding my hair. The woman who taught me about periods and how to pluck my eyebrows. My guardian angel who guided me through those days I would worry myself sick about what people would think of my sexuality or helping me figure out who I truly was.

It was all over.

That day, it didn't feel like it. Now it did. Time was a healer and though I didn't believe it then, I knew it was true now in hindsight. So, while the boys looked at me with dangerous sparkles in their eyes, daring me to say something else or to start drama, I turned my back because time had healed me in more ways than one.

I would've liked to think that while turning my back on Griffin, I was turning my back on the feelings, good and bad, that I felt about him and those pictures. I pushed down the tidal wave of emotions as they threw themselves at me and continued walking, feeling Arwyn's presence beside me, comforting and protective, like the beaming yellow of a lighthouse over foggy seas.

"What's your favourite food?" I asked, glancing at him from the corner of my eye as we headed to the front desk.

He stammered for a moment as his thoughts caught up to him. I knew the feeling, mine were still scrambling into place too; that game took a lot out of me.

"Uhm, so when I went to Vietnam to visit my dad, my grandmother made me this Vietnamese dessert called Che Dau Trang and I know it looks a bit weird to begin with but it's the nicest thing I've ever eaten. It's like this coconut and sticky rice pudding with beans, and not baked beans, they're nice beans. And I can't explain it, it just sort of melts in your mouth and with the coconut too, it's perfect," Arwyn replied as we pushed through the crowd.

I got to the front desk and gave the guy behind it my piece of paper. Obviously recognising that I'd only started my game about ten minutes ago, he read over the moves with a raised brow.

"A scholar's mate? Nice," He smiled. "You'll have to wait a bit until the next game, though."

I nodded and headed outside with Arwyn hot on my heels.

"That Che thing sounds really nice," I commented when the chill breeze of outside barreled towards me.

"Che Dau Trang," he corrected. "And yeah, it is."