Open Letters

To all the flings that I've had

An open letter for all the boys I loved who couldn't love me back. For all the forgotten flings that I've had.

~Part 1~

I love you,
you mumble into your pillow tangled into the sheets, thinking I can't hear you/screaming at me when we fight knowing I'll overlook it/grinning into your beard while on the sofa and then trying to cover it up.

These words fall out beautifully from those lips that I love caressing, every time you have one too much to drink, every time I want to walk away.
But then the lights turn on. The dirt stands out from last night's drunken haze under the cover of night. Even the bright sun can't chase them out as they are wedged in deep.

After all, our entire relationship was based on a bed of lies. Of unspoken words, deleted texts, hidden feelings.
The magic disappears. Reality sets in. We lie on the same bed yet it is as if an ocean separates us. The silence is deafening as we tip toe around each other.

Where is the love gone now I wonder? What do you even truly know of love I want to ask? But if I question, you turn away. Pretend it didn't happen. It was all a drunk mistake. Or maybe I was imagining it all.

I move to leave.
Stay, you say, with that irresistible half. smile on your face
A weed of hope grows in my heart
For breakfast. Stay for breakfast you say
The weed doesn't dislodge no matter how hard I tug.
So, I do.

~Part 2~

No strings attached,
is the first thing out of your mouth after our tumbles in bed.
I don't do cuddles you say
And then your hand sneaks around my waist while we sleep. Your legs entangled with mine. Your body moulding into whatever position I am in.

Evening falls. We sit on the sofa. Your hand on my thigh. My hand caressing your hair. Netflix on in the background.
Home. I think.
Then you open your mouth. Thoughtless speech. Hurtful words from those same lips I love tracing with my own.
How you can never date/never be emotionally available/can't do relationships.

Why? I want to ask.
Why are you so afraid of of intimacy? Of comfort? Of loving someone and being loved?
But I know what you'll say-
I don't have time for this. I get bored easily. I am not emotionally available. 1001 excuses pour out of your mouth, like water from a broken dam.

I wonder who has broken your heart.. Who has ghosted you and left you on read..Who has tossed you aside once they had someone new to toy with..Who has made you so jaded that all you know of relationships is that they aren't worth it.
I wonder who has done the same to you that you're doing to me.

~Part 3~

Safe,
is what I feel, when you're the small spoon and I'm the big spoon/snuggled into your side watching TV/when you make sure I've had my meals/when you ask me to stay
Safe is what I feel, even when you ignore me for your phone/drive like a maniac/lose control of your emotions/try to get rid of me

Safe is what I feel even when you don't care for me cause I know later on, when it's just the two of us, those hands, that mouth, that cute little tushy will be mine.
But feelings can be replaced quiet easily. With the constant push and pull, I go further away each time.
Just as easily as feelings can be replaced, they can be replicated too.

I smile to myself feeling warm when wrapped up in their arms/with my head on their chest/when they only have eyes for me and nothing else/when it isn't you.
Each time you push me further away to sea, I leave a piece of me behind on the shores with you. I feel like I'm drowning, gasping for breath, trying to claw my way back to you.

But that's the thing about seas isnt it? There's always a lifeboat out there making its way to you.