The Irrevocable Us

Chapter 1

My alarm clock kept beeping for quite a while now after it hit 7:30 AM. The red lights of the digits continued to flicker as if it was in the same rhythm as the beating of my heart.

I covered myself with my white blanket and shut my eyes, wishing that I'd never awake. 

Go back to sleep! Go back to sleep, you dumbass! 

When the door creaked open, I never dared open my eyes and pretended that I was still asleep. The faint sound of footsteps started to come my way and before I could even prepare myself, he sat just on the edge of my bed. I felt his hand right on top of my head.

"Lisa, it's time for breakfast," he said. 

Those were the words I longed to hear for years ever since I saw him. I longed for his warm touch, his soothing voice, and most of all, his ever-important presence.

However, my heart, which used to beat so fast whenever he looked at me, suddenly turned into a beat of anxiousness and guilt. 

I uncovered myself and simply said, "Do wait for me in the dining room."

I never dared look into his eyes. I walked past him and headed to the washroom that could temporarily enclose me with a bit of comfort. I looked at myself in the mirror. The shining happiness I used to see in my eyes lost its brightness and the genuine smile I used to wear was now nothing but a forced and fake one.

Opening the faucet, the water gushed out as I washed my face—savoring the cold touch of the water. If only I could drown myself in a freezing lake, I could have done it before and I wouldn't have to feel this way.

After I finished washing up, I hesitated to even go downstairs and face the man I ever loved the most. He would smile at me sweetly, greet me with a good morning and for sure, he had already cooked breakfast. He was too good. Too perfect.

I pursed my lips and shut the door once again. My eyes wandered to the wide and bright room that my husband and I occupied. It should radiate the feeling of home, love, warmth, and happiness. However, neither of those existed anymore. 

I stared at the white notebook and pen placed on top of the table near the window. Whether I wanted to or not, I needed to continue writing on that hateful piece of paper. Whether I was in the mood or not, I'd still have to lift that pen and let its ink bleed. 

Up until now, I wanted to erase everything and return to the time when I hadn't written anything on it yet.

"Lisa, the food will get cold!"

Hearing him call out my name should be sweeter than honey but it tasted so bitter right now. I turned my back and shut my eyes, pretending like the notebook and pen were never there. Breathing in and out, I tried my hardest to calm the swirling emotions that, at any minute, might just explode.

The door creaked open as I walked out of our room and headed to the dining room where he was waiting. 

He flashed me the smile that made me fall for him back when we first met yet I returned a forced smile. I should be happy, more than happy, now that he was here with me and still wore the ring I gave him after we said our vows.

However, after what happened, happiness felt like it didn't fit me anymore. No. Rather than that, it would be better to say that I didn't deserve such a thing. We ate in silence like how we usually do but it was deafening, making me wish so hard that time would run faster. 

"I'll do the dishes so you can prepare for work," I said.

He replied with a nod. After he drank a cup full of water, he stepped forward which made me lift my head and look at him. The corner of his lips curved as he bent forward and left a kiss on my forehead. Ah, yes. How could I forget? He always does that every day. 

"Prepare for work as well." 

He shuffled my hair before leaving me alone in that room. I watched his back as he walked away and my heart started to wrench in pain. 

I bit my lower lip to suppress the tears that wanted to leave my eyes. I even clenched my fists until my nails dug into my skin.

He suddenly turned his back and once again flashed a smile in my direction.

"I love you."

I was taken aback.

Those three words that should bring me bliss... those three words he had been telling me every day suddenly turned into arrows piercing my heart every single time. Seeing his eyes told me everything about how he truly felt, but his words and actions denied the emotions in his eyes.

I dropped the spoon and fork. They clanged against the tiled floor, but I ignored it and just ran towards him. I hugged him. Tight. I wrapped my arms around him just like that one night when I promised myself that I would never let him go. Ever.

Like a broken tap, I cried on his chest.

"I'm so sorry, Leo," I apologized, "I truly am."

His hand caressed my hair as he ran his fingers through them. He then held both of my shoulders before breaking our embrace. With his thumb, he wiped off the tears that dampened my cheeks. He leaned closer until our foreheads touched and his eyes were closed. I stared at him–puzzled–since I did not know what exactly he was thinking. It has always been like that. He was unreadable most of the time, but he was able to see through me like I was just some transparent glass.

"I know," he whispered before hugging me back. His other hand ran up and down my back, slowly tracing my spine. He felt warmer, that was for sure, but no matter how his warmth radiated on my very skin, I felt uneasy chills shooting through every part of my body.

"That's why I will never forgive you," he added.