The Irrevocable Us

Chapter 2

When Leo left the house, I stayed in our room still dumbfounded by what he told me. That was the very first time he spoke of words made of knives that dug so deep into my already wounded heart.

I had known. I had always known how he truly felt. He didn't love me; his heart didn't skip a beat when I smiled at him. There were no butterflies in his stomach whenever I spoke to him. It was just me who felt that. It was all one-sided because he loved another woman. Despite knowing all of those, I still chose to tie him with me through a single statement in that hateful notebook. With one ring and a vow, he was forever sealed to me and I was eternally sealed to him. That was how selfish I was. That was how naive and childish I was.

I skimmed the pages of the notebook tainted by the ink of the pen. There were already thousands of words scribbled in it yet there were still a lot of pages left to write on. On the blank page, I started to write.

"I will file a divorce by 2 PM and tomorrow, Leo will sign in agreement. We will part ways this time. For sure."

He deserved to be happy. He deserved to be freed from me. However, my frustration continued to build up as I watched the newly written words slowly vanish.

"Why the hell are you rejecting this entry?!"

A thunk resounded when the notebook hit the hard wall and the pen rolled over the mat beneath my feet. I've had enough! I've had enough of this bullshit life! Who wanted to live with a man who scorned his wife? Who wanted to see her husband looking like a puppet void of love because he wasn't living with the woman he truly loved?

Still, what really rooted me from the scary rock bottom I fell into was the fact that I brought everything, every misfortune in my life, upon myself. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't undo the mistake I had made. The notebook I threw was there across the wall. It was open on a certain page. There was no use throwing it away since it wouldn't bring back time, so I stood and picked it up. Right on the opened pages, I saw the very last permanent entry I had written 5 years ago.

'Leo and I shall never part after marriage no matter what. He and I will be on each other's side for a lifetime.'

After writing those two sentences, no words scribbled after had stayed permanent. They'd slowly fade away as if telling me that I had written my fate enough.

I shut my eyes and the memories of the past came rushing back. I was desperate back then, so desperate to have Leo all to myself and to have him stay beside me and never leave no matter what.

"Lisa, please, let him go. We know too well that it is I whom Leo truly loves."

Those were the words of Gianna when she came begging on her knees. I could see the desperation in her eyes that was the same desperation I had. She was crying while holding my hands. She even grovelled just for me to return Leo back to her.

However, I was not swayed. I had a heart of steel whenever I faced the woman that Leo loved. How could I give him to her? If I did that, I'd be left alone crying in the corner of my room. Then, they'd be having their happy ever after. As if I'd let that happen! Never! I shall be the one to have a happy ever after!

"If Leo loves you, then he wouldn't leave you, right, Gianna? He already proposed to me and you have nothing to do about it."

That was my reply to her. I was so mean. Leo witnessed that very moment. He stood from afar and in his eyes were tears falling drop after drop. He was probably confused because he was marrying a woman he didn't love and was leaving the one who held his heart.

Still, I didn't care that time since I had hoped that he'd eventually love me when we were together. That, however, never happened. I chuckled at my own immaturity back then. Gianna never did me wrong, but like a wicked witch, I caused her misery that she did not deserve. All she had was Leo because she was an abandoned child. Leo was her sanctuary and I took him away from her.

I wanted to set things straight. I kept writing a happy ending for the two of them but those words vanished from the notebook, rejecting my change of heart. I tried burning the notebook, hoping that Leo's tie would be cut from me but it never burned. I threw it away but the very next day, I'd see it inside my house. I poured water into it, wanting the words written to blur but it never did.

I tried to file a divorce, which was against my last entry, hoping that I would still be able to deviate from it. However, my request was continuously rejected. Up until now, I couldn't do anything to escape from the maze of punishment I made for myself and Leo, who was dragged into it because of me.

As days passed by, I started to feel hopeless. There was no way out of this. I couldn't bear it any longer-looking at Leo's scornful eyes and misery. He didn't deserve a careless and self-centered woman like me, not even a tiny bit.

I gripped the notebook close to my chest and leaned my forehead on the cold floor.

"Please, stop. Stop this burning pain."

Was there really no other way? Will I forever suffer because of that reckless decision?

Please, someone. Please, someone, tell me that I still have hope... that I can still make everything work fine.