Then, Now, Always

one hundred and two tears

I had kind of let Tyler off the hook. Of course I was mad. But it gets old. He apologized  and I forgave him. 2 days was enough for me and now we are together again. But its funny how in 2 days, theres alot of things you can do and regret unless you let it out.

"Tyler. I want us to be a truthful couple so do you have anything you need to tell me?"

"Well, truthfully when I kissed Audrey I kind of imagined it as you." He grinned

"Oh. I have something I'd like to tell you also." He nodded his head in thought "When you kissed Audrey, and we were fighting. I was so mad! So Ben came over. And we kind of made out." I couldn't find any other way to put it. "Dont be mad please. I didn't really do anything wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong!?" I shook my head as he started again "How could you do that? I really didn't kiss her. I got pulled into it literally. I didn't think you of all people would do this!"

"Its just a kiss Tyler. Please calm down!"

"It wasnt just a kiss. It was my final decision maker."

"What?"

"You heard me. Were though!"

"No Tyler please don't do this!" He was already walking off. "No!" Tears streamed down my face. "Please come back." I begged, talking to myself

Why would I do this? It wasnt even his fault. Then I go being myself and kissing other guys. We could have been happy again!

   I went home sick almost immediately after faking a dreadful headache. I sent him lots of messages on Facebook . And tried to contact him in any other way such as phone, skype, hotmail, I even ran over to his house and posted a note to his door. I peeked out my door at 4.30 and the note was still there. Did he ignore it? Was he home yet? Did he see it? I sighed and ripped it off the door, surprised when I saw his hand writing on the back of the page.

'What you did wasn't okay and our relationship needs a long break. We had our shot with this dating thing and blew it. Goodbye Addison.' Liquid splashed the not making it even harder to read then his handwriting already was. I kicked his door with all my strength then scurried back into my home bursting in tears of anger for the hundredth time. Did he realize how much he hurt me? Did I realize how much I hurt him? I know I hurt him, I know why, I know how. I have every detail besides 'How hard did I hurt him.' I was seeking an answer. Craving morely. Im a confused teenager who has no clue! I grabbed a pencil with no lead just sharp wood and held it at my wrist. This probably may have been one of the biggest decisions of my life. I squeezed my eyes, again searching for answers. Emo isn't the answer to everything bad. Is it? I through the pencil at my wall and instead hurt myself in different ways. I banged my arms and legs against random things causing different pain. I wasnt crying over my problems anymore. The pain stinging my body was causing the tears. I stood on my bed wondering if I should drop. I didn't of course but if things got any worse I swore to myself I would. I ended up continues slamming different body parts into random things, my parents would yell the occasional "Shut up!" and what not. Over 16 years I had learned to ignore there every word, as they did mine.

   After it looked as though I was abused with bruises down my arms and legs, sore everywhere. My emotions for other things kicked in and as I did every night spilled tears onto my pillow, crying myself to sleep.

The next morning I told my father I was going to school and might call him to come pick me up if I feel sick. He then forbid me to go to school all because he would have to go out. I screamed. Once and possibly twice as though I were 4 again then stormed to my bedroom.

I ended up doing my hair nicely as well as make up, then took out my very unused camera and took pictures of myself. Some I smiled as if I could never be better. Those were definitely the hardest. In others I look as depressed as I really was. In some I just looked very unsure. After most were on Facebook I went to my favourite one of me looking depressed, then grabbed a pad of paper and pencils and drew it. My first few goes didn't turn out great and were very frusterating. After I learned my face shape and how big my lips were I was partly getting the hang of it. Of course It didn't look near professional by the end yet if I had to guess anyone I would most likely guess myself. Depressed, lonely, and angry all at once. I grabbed a blue tack and hung it above my bed, oddly proud of it. For the remainder of the day I looked through my, and other peoples pictures on Facebook. I came across quite enough of Tyler and I before I closed my laptop. All the way from when we were 4 and taking the bunch load of pictures of eachother because no one else would, to now. I then decided to go talk to Tyler. I rung his doorbelle once, twice, possibly three times. No one answered. There was no movement or sound from inside the house. It made me wonder.. I ran to the back yard to the un-grown pine tree barely to my chest. I un-dug the cross that we painted long ago and looked for the key we barried her long ago, only used by him and I for emergencies. It didn't seem to be here. My finger nails soaked into the hard earth the scraped back towards me. It wasnt here! I ran to the left side of the house and to his bedroom window. The blinds were a inch open. Perfect for me to confirm the lights were down and the room was empty. There was no Tyler as one may have suspected. There also wasnt a messy heap of clothes on the ground. Or anywhere. Did he? No he wouldn't have! A lump formed in my throat, I didn't know what to believe. Our key was gone. His stuff was gone. The house appeared empty from what I can see. There garage door opened frightening me. I heard the engine stop and heels clap on the driveway coming my may. Shit! They must have seen the gate opened. And the dug up tree. I jumped onto the fence getting ready to jump and bolt. I would have to cross there driveway. Intead I jumped the fence then soon enough I was hiding behind a black car across the street.

"Hello?" His mother yelled in confidence although it was obvious to anyone she was scared as a small child and was carrying Tylers baseball bat. It was indeed 7.00 and dark out. After five minutes of bordem I peeked out from behind the car. Everything was silent then a barking dog ruined the peace. The acouple of sirens. And more dogs barking. Wait sirens? 'Damnit' I thought. 'Did she really call the police. The sirens would so not be going. I stood up then casualy returned into my home. Only 10 minutes later a loud knock was coming from downstairs. I was halfway from creeping back down the stairs from my room when I heard louder knocks. The doorbelle also rung once. I stood at the front door not knowing who it might be and what I should do! I opened the door slowly only to find a sobbing Audrey. She collapsed into my arms now bawling.

"Umm. There, there." I spoke nervously, slowly letting her in the shutting the door lightly as Audrey cried onto my shoulder.

Sorry for the wait and amount of story there is this time. I thought this might be a good cliff hanger. Im soo excited! I am going to Scotland for the 5th time this year and maybe Paris and possibly (Not exactly sure one bit) Bringing my bestie Lucygoosey although she barely knows anything about it! Haha anyways Im most likely boring many of you so happy reading and writing! Ttyl. Oh and don't forget to vote, fan, and comment !! ily also we r trying to get to watty awards!