The Monsters In My Home

Home

I stayed with my mom and Bridget. They were around me 24/7. They said it was suicide watch. Did they really think I would try that? I didn't want to lose what I have. Plus I need to talk to Macy. I haven't been keeping up with her and she needs to know what's happening. Sometimes I feel like nobody really cares. Yes there's Logan, but what if he just wants the be free you know? Without having to deal with my problems. Ever since I got out of that home I can't sleep. I stay up all night just thinking. About everything. About Logan, Macy, my mom, Bridget, just everything. Sometimes I just wanna die. Maybe that's why they put me on suicide watch. I know I would never do it. But self harm....that's another story. I probably shouldn't get into that but let's just say it sucks. I am just so scared. I can't even kiss Logan or do anything for that matter with Logan because I'm so scared of what happened at that house. What that boy did. What he took from me. When I kiss him, when I'm around him, that's all I think about. And it scares me. I wanted to save that for Logan.....but now I can't. And I hate myself for it. People say it's not my fault, but I'm not so sure I believe that. The only reason I went to that house is because my dad hated me. Because I was a horrible child. Me.....horrible. I believe it. My life is a mess. It's like a roller coaster. It goes from going up to plummeting straight down, going upside down, twisting, spinning, and every other thing you can think of. It's not fun. I need to talk to Macy now. I should probably just text her, it's not like I'm aloud out of the house anyway. I just want to send a simple text. "Hey." Nothing crazy or anything. Just simply hey. I miss school, I haven't even been able to see Logan since I got out. I think that's bullshit. He's the one who found me! He deserves to see me. I miss him. I just want to see him, even if it's just for a little bit. He's the only thing keeping me alive. Mom and Bridget never cared until now. He has always cared. I love him. God why does he have to love me. He deserves so much better. He deserves someone who has something to give him. So why me? I'm not worth it. I'm not right for him. I love him, but I don't deserve him. He should be off with some girl who is pretty, has money, is actually there for him. That's not me. I'm nothing. I hate myself for loving him and I hate him for loving me. It's not supposed to be like this. He's supposed to fall in love with the popular and beautiful girl, not the damaged and ugly girl who doesn't have a clue. But for some reason, he loved me. I just couldn't shake those thoughts out of my head. My mind was everywhere and it hurt. I could still see the crash and what it did to me. I could still see the boys hands trailing up and down my skin and I could feel the tears streaming down my face as I tried not to think of what he was doing to me. My life wasn't even going to get any better. This was it.