Moving Forward

Chapter 8: Guilt

She didn't get very far. Astoria was finally opening up. And Draco wasn't about to let her go. Pain is pain. It sucks. But the worst thing you can do to a hurting person is leave them in their misery. Not even trying to help. It was something Astoria understood. The main reason that both her and Daphne tried so hard to help others.

He managed to get his arms around her waist, and pulled her back. Lowering his head to her ear, he practically growled. "You are not leaving until we figure this out. So start talking."

"Let me go!" She tried to hit him, but it was somewhat difficult to actually accomplish, seeing as how he was behind her. Instead, he just tightened his grip.

"No. You'll run out again."

She sighed. Very done with this already. "I promise I won't run out if you let me go. Now please, let me go."

He cautiously let go, and took a step back. Astoria turned around reluctantly. She knew this conversation had to happen eventually. And part of her was relieved it would be over with. But the rest of her wasn't nearly as enthusiastic.

"Now explain."

"I'm sorry I got mad. Can I go now?" She was using that flat voice all teenagers had perfected for the sake of annoying their parents.

"No. Now why did you get scared? Why do you keep running? Why do you keep everyone at a distance? Why won't you let anyone help you? You're helping everyone else. Let us return the favor."

"Us? Who is us? Because as much as I like to delude myself into thinking I'm important, that I make a difference, I can't do squat. My grades? Useless. Reading people? Didn't matter. Because when it came down to the moment. The second when she needed me. I couldn't do it. All those hours studying for nothing. What's the point of learning magic to create new things when I couldn't even protect what I had?" Her eyes shone with tears, and the only thing Draco could think was I was not ready for this. He hadn't quite realized how fragile she was. Unsure what to do, he just watched as she continued to dissolve. Voice as sharp as glass, the pain had been suppressed for so long it was tearing out of her. "I was right there. Right there. And I did nothing. Pansy was the one to Stun him. I didn't even cry. What kind of horrible sister am I? I haven't even cried until now." She looked up at him, sniffing. "Well at least that's fixed. She shouldn't have died. She had friends and family who loved her. Why couldn't she have thought about herself for once? She'd still be here. She might've been sad at first, but you guys would have been able to help her through it."
"What are you talking about?" Draco was genuinely confused. He could tell she was talking about her sister. But that was the only thing he had really understood. Astoria looked up a little shocked, before she realized. He didn't know. Pansy hadn't told him.

She sniffed loudly, swiping the tears from her eyes trying to pull herself together. "I should go. I was supposed to help Luna with her Astrology homework after dinner." She moved to go, but Draco grabbed her shoulders before she even turned around. To be honest, he was getting very frustrated.

"Will you just tell me?" She looked him dead in the eyes. Her face was an emotionless mask of stone. If not for the tear stains on her cheeks, you wouldn't be able to tell she had been a blubbering mess a minute before.

"Why. Why should I? Because you won't let me leave? Because you were one of her many friends? Guess what buddy, I am not entitled to give you my secrets just because you ask. Because you pretend to be my friend."

Draco recoiled like he had been physically slapped. He hadn't had many, or any real friends. But he had always felt comfortable with Daphne. The reminder that he was just another of her many acquaintances hurt. "That's what you think? You think we're just pretending to be your friends."

Astoria tilted her head side to side in thought. "No. Either you pity me, and want to be my friends because of that, or you want her replacement. I hate to break it to you, but no one can replace her. There was a reason our parents loved her and not me. There was a reason why she had so many friends while I had none. And that was okay. She loved me. That was all that mattered." She was blinking rapidly now. Trying to keep herself under control. "I know Pansy wants her best friend back, and I'm the mostly likely candidate to replace her. But I'm not her. Okay? I can't replace her, I can't do what she did. The sooner everyone figures that out the sooner we all move on." Draco opened his mouth to contradict her, but she just continued on. "Maybe you feel you owe it to her or to me to be my friend. I'm not a charity case, and I don't want to be. So if you're done satisfying your guilt, or your debt, or whatever you can go now. Thanks, but I'm good."

Draco had been scrutinizing her, trying to get a read on whatever she was feeling. When it was apparent she was done talking, he took a step forward again. "You done?" Astoria nodded so he continued. "Now tell me why. Why do you really think we don't want to be your friends?" He  took another step forward, so that they were a handbreadth away. "What are you afraid of?"

Draco was significantly taller, so Astoria was practically bending over backward to look at him, She backed up a bit and bumped into a desk. Hoping up to sit on it, she began to scoot backwards. She froze when Draco leaned over her, placing his hands on either side of her, on the desk. "Please. Let me in. Let me help you." they stared at each other for a while. Astoria trying to read whether or not he was being serious, Draco waiting with bated breath for an answer.

Finally Astoria dropped her gaze. As far as she could tell he was genuine. "There was only one person that I ever really let in. Daph was everything. My older sister, my mother figure, my best friend." She swallowed painfully. "My parents preferred her. Everyone did really. And who wouldn't? She was so happy, outgoing, and nice. She genuinely cared about everyone and everything. She was always protecting me." Squeezing her eyes shut she fought to shove the memories away. It didn't work. They played in her mind, all the way up to the last moments. "That's what she was doing when..." Taking a shaky breath she tried to continue. "There were only a few of them. We should have had it handled. We'd taken care of the rest of them. But we were getting tired. I got sloppy. I should have seen it. And even if I hadn't it should have hit me. There's no way to block a killing curse. No way that should..." her voice broke. "But she did it. Always trying to shield me. But why? Why couldn't she have just-" She broke off again, when she was scooped up into someone's arms. She beat their back as she continued to sob. "The stupid idiot. She should have lived! No one would've missed me. Why couldn't she see that everyone needed her? I need her. I need her back."

They stayed in that classroom. Astoria clinging to Draco as he tried to hold her together. Pansy and Blaise found them there. They'd grown worried when they couldn't find them. Someone had pointed them in the direction of their friends.

Coming inside, they immediately understood. After all, there was really only one thing that Astoria would cry about. They had been waiting for the moment when they could be there for her. When she would finally let them in. Pansy grew teary eyed, and she and Blaise joined them. Holding tight to each other, they mourned a lost friend. And a lost sister.