reminiscence

Sixty Two

I was so mad at Desi for making me blow up like that. Don't get me wrong I love her to pieces. But she also knew exactly how to push my buttons. Being friends for years tends to do that.

Today was my birthday. I shouldn't be sitting alone in the same spot on the floor of me and Niall's shared room for an hours, but here I am.

The alone time has made me decide to give up on Niall for good. I've tried my best offering up every thing I have to him but obviously he doesn't see me the same way as I see him. It was a joke to him.

Currently my friends are grilling out in the backyard. Luckily this meant they were leaving me alone and letting me cool down.

That was until now as Niall walked through the door carrying a plate of food.

"Bella?" His voice pulling me out of my thoughts.

I didn't answer him. Choosing to ignore him probably wasn't the nicest thing I could do but I wasn't in the mood.

I was never mad at him and I know it won't last long but right now I was pissed at him. He was leading me on and acting like nothing happened. He can't play with my feelings that way. I was fighting with the feelings in my head and he wasn't helping.

"I know you're in here" he sighed walking around the bed to where I was hiding. Crochet down hugging my knees "found ya" he smiled looking down at me

"Go away" I mumbled not looking up at him or I know his bright blue eyes would break me.

"I just brought you some lunch" he sat down next to me placing a plate of food in front of me

"No thanks" I grumbled kicking the plate away from me slightly

"You need to eat love" he sighed again

"Don't call me that" I quickly glared at him through the tears forming in my eyes.

His mouth falling open and close as he was at a loss of words. I got up from my spot to walk closer to the window.

My view getting wider and I could see Desi and Connor throwing food and laughing at each other. Aidan grilling and dodging the flying debris.

I wished I could be down there with my friends but the pain in my chest was to big. I know I couldn't stay mad at them for long either. They were just trying to help.

With Niall sitting behind me picking at the plate of food I wasn't going to eat it was the perfect time to get it off my chest. He needed to know how his actions are affecting me.

"I'm done Niall" I turned to him crossing my arms over my chest "I know you heard me earlier . I'm done trying only to be treated like a fool. I'm not good enough for you and will never be. "

"Bella you're not a fool... Don't say that. You're beautiful" he stood up stepping in front of me. Reaching forward he grabbed my forearms with a little to much force. My eyes go wide as his actions sparked my nerves.

I felt trapped. Immediately I wanted to push him away from me and get out of his grasp. But I was frozen.

My eyes turning cold as the memories flooded my mind. The images of Hudson standing in front of me right before the pain came.

"Stop, N-Niall" I stuttered bracing myself for what comes next

"Shit sorry" he released his grasp on me letting his fingers comb through his hair. "This is why I'm so scared of moving forward. It's not because I'm not attracted to you. Fuck am I attracted to you. I just don't want to hurt you Bella. I'm terrified that I'll hurt you for good and lose you. I can't lose you again because of my stupid mistakes"

He just said the words to me that you be always said to him. The ones I've been wanting to hear. The reason why he's was so scared to feel his feelings. He looked into my eyes, his eyes filled with tears.

"You're so scared of losing me you're missing every opportunity I'm giving you" my voice cracked as I stood frozen as I was now breathless.

He made sense. I was broken. Like Connor learned one little move could set me off. He was protecting me like always.

But I was trying and giving it my all. He was watching it go on by.

Desi's sudden scream laugher coming from outside made me jump. I turned my attention back outside to see a full food fight start.

" um...I better go get myself a plate before it's all in Desi's hair ... eat yours please" Niall said motioning to the food before leaving the room

That didn't go as planned. I was conflicted. I did understand where he's coming from. No one wants to love a broken girl. But I cared for him so much. There's was no escaping my feelings for him if every word coming from his mouth made my heart beat faster.

The rest of the afternoon I spent laying in my bed letting me thoughts invade my mind. It probably wasn't the healthiest thing to be doing. Even my friends came after cleaning the food off themselves and asked if I wanted to go for a hike with them. I declined not feeling up to it. I would rather sulk in my bed.

At the beginning of this trip I was so determined to ignore my feelings for Niall but after one simple conversation with him my whole perspective changed. I was fucked.