Playground Noir

Introduction

She's the kind of dame you want to hold hands with.

I sit alone at the lunch table, nursing down my second chocolate milk. Damn it’s not even recess yet, and I’m already spiraling down on a dairy bender. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see the Pixie Stix tweakers buying their saccharine dope and doing lines, while the lunch ladies turn a blind eye.

Times are tough, even the fuzz can be bought and sold. Sure it’s gonna cost you a pretty penny, at least a couple weeks worth of lunch money, but peace of mind is priceless, especially for a sugar junkie.

Little Eddie, a kid from the second grade class stumbles through the lunchroom, like a grade A fool. Like he’s trying to make the honor role of shame. Poor guy used to have it all, but he got worked over by some piece of work. A wicked dame named Simone. Maybe she put some kind of spell on him, but he doted on her like a dope.

He gave her his pudding, man… his pudding and his heart. What did she give him? A head full of woes, a dessert-less lunch, and a broken heart. She spooned his love out of his chest, just like that rich chocolate goo out of that small, coveted container of bliss.

I tap the empty carton in front of me. Loraine, the lunchlady frowns slightly. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough, Miles?”

“I’m a growing boy Loraine. Plus, I heard somewhere that it does a body good.” I give her a little wink for good measure. She slides me another milk, and I flick her a quarter. “Buy yourself something nice, dollface.”

She smiles faintly, and then heads over to the other side of the cafeteria. Some stupid kid who’s allergic to nuts got into the peanut butter again. Damn, this school is going to the birds…

“Excuse me, Mr. Decker?” A voice that reminds me of watching Saturday morning cartoons while gorging myself on a big bowl of lucky charms, catches me by surprise.

“Yes, beautiful?” I say smoothly, until I realize who I’m looking at. It’s that witch Simone. “Aw hell, what do you want?” I try to say cooly, but my voice cracks at the end. She’s a pretty little thing. From her green sparkle headband, down to her Dora The Explorer sneakers.

“I was hoping you could help me out.” Her lips are the color of bubble gum. I’m not exactly sure what I would do with those lips, but it seems like grown up men make a big deal about a woman’s lips. She’s also got dainty little hands. The kind of hands that made you want to… to hold them. She was the kind of dame you wanted to hold hands with. YUCK! I know. But, kind of tempting too.

“Oh yeah? Well, I heard you got a nasty case of the cooties…” I offer coolly. This time it’s smooth. Smooth and cold as ice.

I hear her gasp, she almost sounds wounded. She looks up at me with those big, brown eyes of hers… and I shift uncomfortably in my chair. I feel terrible.

“Just so you know Mr. Decker, I had a big crush on Little Eddie, but he kept pushing me down in the sandbox. No boy treats me that way. You got that? Sure. I ate his pudding, but I’m only human.” She turns as if she’s going to leave. I feel sort of sick in my stomach. Three milks was a bad decision.

“No. Wait. I’m just being a jerk. I don’t know what happened to my manners.” I pull a pack of gum from my pocket, and with a flick of the wrist one of the sticks pops up a little, above the rest. “Gum?” I ask her as a peace offering.

She slides the stick of gum out of the pack and unwraps it slowly.

“So what can I do for you, Simone?” I pop a stick of gum into my mouth. I can almost taste the cancer from the sugarless sweetener. Eh. I’ve tried to quit before, but I find the chewing soothing.

“Times are tough, Mr. Decker. You know that. I mean, a girl’s gotta do things to survive… but I’ve fallen in with a tough crowd, the BMX kids…” She looks around nervously, lowering her voice. “I didn’t want to run trading cards for them anymore, and now they’ve kidnapped someone precious to me. My pet rabbit, Mr. Fluff.”

She’s on the verge of tears. Part of me wants to laugh at her. I’m a second grader, not a saint for Pete’s sake. But, the part of me that’s moved beyond first grade feels for her. I offer her my sleeve to blow her nose on. She looks at me with gratitude and a hint of, that’s sort of gross.

“So, you want me to find Mr. Fluff for you?”

“Could you Mr. Decker? Please. I just need to know that he’s alright. Are you sure you can handle this?”

I nod. On the inside, I kind of want to pee my pants, because the BMX kids are fifth graders. I don’t know how I’m going to get Mr. Fluff back before I get beat to a bloody pulp. But the way she’s looking at me… like I’m some sort of superhero makes my ego cash a check that I’m pretty sure that my butt can’t afford.

“Sure, I can handle it. Just for you, cupcake.” I sound convincing. Even I almost believe it.

“You’re the best!” Simone squeals in excitement like… well, like a little girl. She throws her arms around me and plants a kiss on my cheek. I just about jump out of my skin. We both make YUCK! face right after, but I feel like I’m floating. I guess lips are sort of a big deal.

Maybe that’s just the milk talking.