Sincerely, The Poetical Pained

Dear Diary

I took mom flowers, today; tulips were always her favorite.  I drove up the dirt road before it started blending into the grass; I knew I was getting close. Her tree, my father planted for her, grew healthier. The sun was shining down on her as if it was her spotlight. She had green leaves that were turning yellow, and yellow leaves that were beginning to turn orange. I still remember the day, pops and I came to sprinkle her ashes. At first, I wasn't ready to spread her ashes because I didn't want to say goodbye, again. Daddy told me she was always going to be by my side, no matter what. And when I got older, I would be able to visit her on my own. 

I didn't know what to do, except to sit beneath her branches and think to myself. It didn't feel real until I started speaking my thoughts. I told her about him and what he had done. 

It wasn't the same... talking to her. The feeling of physical interaction where she would stroke my hair, while I cried in her lap, was all I wanted. The sound of her soothing voice would ease my tears. Her warm hugs were what always made me feel safe, let alone feeling cared for. 

"Please, give me a sign you're here with me." 

I whispered this, in the hopes that she would make a connection. I closed my eyes and sat still. Listening out for nothing but her. It took a while for her to speak to me, but once I felt the wind starting to blow through me, I knew she was with me. I could smell her scent in the surrounding air. The quality of her leaves dancing with the wind was the most beautiful sound I ever endured. 

I knew my mama was always going to be there whenever I needed her.  

On the way home, I told myself I would be okay. I can't keep hurting myself, because of his choices. I was telling myself everything my mom would be preaching to me if she were still alive. I don't know what will happen now, but I do know I'll be just fine without him. 

Sincerely,

The Poetical Pained