𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐰𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐧. [𝐚 𝐥𝐞𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐮𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐮]

8 | en pointe

TW // body image, weight, anxiety, slight mention of blood

seungjin ~ 

(flashback, three years ago) 

"one, two, da da da... ballonné, ballonné, chassé,  step, step, GRAND RONDE DE JAMBE!!!" 

"no NO NO!!! STOP THE MUSIC." 

i stop in my steps to catch my breath and turn to face the director. she looks pissed with me as usual but then again, when has she ever praised or congratulated me. 

"seungjin, you were off beat AGAIN. have you even been practicing? you've gotten more sloppy in your steps and judging from how you look at the moment, seems you have gained weight over the break. start weighing yourself again and monitor your food intake. your solo spot at the prix de lausanne* does not come for free. you're dismissed." 

(*the prix de lausanne is a famous international dance competition for aspiring young ballet dancers who wish to become professional company dancers) 

"yes madam. i'll continue practicing and watching my diet." i responded and watched her storm out of the studio. 

i let out a scream in frustration. i practiced for my solo for a whole week before we went over it today and barely slept a wink yesterday night. my anxiety is just worsening... it's strange how is ballet the one thing that makes me simultaneously happy and upset.

why is everything continuously my fault... especially when i put in my best effort. i just don't understand. sometimes the pressure to stay in this ballet school overwhelms me. my mother sold her dance studio and practically packed up every worldly possession of ours so i could study and possibly pursue ballet as a career here in russia. some tears cloud my eyes as i start thinking about her sitting in our apartment 

i collapse onto the ground in a puddle of exhaustion and slip off my pointe shoes. shit. i forgot to put lotion around my feet and now there's dry, peeling skin and some blood on the fronts of my feet. 

why can't madam ana see that i've been working so hard. i've been putting in my best effort ever since i received my acceptance letter at vaganova. if i'm talented and skilled enough to be accepted at one of the best ballet schools in russia, i'm surely good enough to stay and win the prix competition. 

i just can't seem to understand why my mental health must be sacrificed for ballet. is this worth it? 

heyyyy besties IM BACK. this chapter's short but there's lots of clues in it!! have y'all connected the dots yet?? this chapter sorta gives you a big hint. the next chapter is just fluff ridden hehehe

ALSO ENHA WON ROTY AT THE GDA'S!!!! AHHHH OUR BOYS ARE SO TALENTED. SOSOSOSO PROUD OF THEM *cries*