Amnesia

Memories

Josephine

I had to leave the room a moment, nearly an hour actually but that's mostly my mum's fault. After the disappointment I felt, I had to call her even if I bothered my parents while they were eating diner since it's 8pm in Perth.

We FaceTimed for a good forty-five minutes talking about the trip they were planning in London to help me with everything that's going on. We also talked about Hero's condition and they gave me really great pieces of advice as to not confuse him too much until he recovers.

I can't wait to have them with me, they will take their plane in two days and will stay with me for a week. Kath will maybe even come visit us for two or three days next week to reunite the family.

I look at my watch and see it's already 2:15pm. I make my way to Hero's bedroom because I know that Beatrice will be cranky if she misses the breastfeeding schedule. She usually eats some purée at noon and she drinks breast milk before going to bed for her nap.

That's when I remember that I left the stroller in the trunk of the car because I was distracted by a certain someone. Fuck, she won't be able to sleep in anyone's arm for an hour and a half.

I go back to the parking lot facing the hospital and take the stroller. I unfold it and I'm ready to go. When I am back to the right corridor, I hear Bea fuss and I know it's my cue to enter.

Beatrice is on Hero's laps and she plays with his arms, her back facing his torso, while he holds her firmly. He and Martha are talking about Merc when I come in, so I silently put the stroller next to the bed and take my baby in my arms.

Hero notices me and gives me a bright smile. I make myself comfortable in the armchair next to him, lift the hoodie up and put Bea next to my nipple. I look at her by the neckline and she seems unbothered by the dark, for the moment at least.

I look up and see Hero and Martha looking at me. I try to not be embarrassed but that's not easy. That's why I don't like to breastfeed in public, people are always looking at me, either disgusted or horny.

I don't see either of those emotions in my husband and his mother's eyes, but that doesn't make it more comfortable. Bea starts to kick, she doesn't like to be covered up while nursing but I don't know if I want Martha to see my breasts.

At one point, she begins to move a bit more and she makes me hot. I have no other choice than to take the sweater off. I take one arm off, then the other and finally I remove it completely.

I hear Martha and Hero starting a new conversation and I'm thankful for Martha to draw H's attention anywhere than on me. Now that nothing is bothering her, Beatrice starts to caress my chest while looking at me with her big eyes. I enjoy those moments where I create an infinite bond with my baby.

I make a fart noise with my mouth and she laughs, still drinking which results in milk pouring from her mouth all the way down my clothes.

I whisper to her : "Well aren't you the messiest little girl in the entire universe?"

I bring her face to me and puts kisses down her neck. I know that being playful before going to bed isn't the smartest thing but I really missed her during my work trip to Paris.

I would do anything to see her smile, even spend two hours trying to put her to bed because she's too excited to sleep.

I try to focus on the conversation the other two are having but as I look up to my husband, I see him staring at me. I blush and Martha lightly hit his foot with her hand.

"Stop looking." she tells him.

He seems to be in a trance and I can tell that he is actually looking at my face instead of my chest. He shakes his head coming back to reality and apologizes to me.