earning it back // chaelisa

chapter 11: forgiveness comes

The incessant beeping coming from the microwave when the time is up pulls Chaeyoung out of her reverie so violently that she finds herself glad she didn't follow through with picking up their beers first. With her heart pounding against her ribcage, she grabs Jisoo's heating pad from the microwave with a towel she'd been wringing without really noticing and opens the fridge to get a couple beers.

Jisoo's leg has been bothering her more than usual.

They've gone to lunch at the rockabilly themed bar Jisoo had suggested a few days ago – it doubles as a diner during the day, dance floor covered in tables with retro napkin dispensers, amazing burgers named with the most awful puns known to mankind. Then they spent the next few hours running some errands that both of them had been putting off, from dropping off donation clothes to changing the oil filter in the car.

Chaeyoung had regretted this whole ordeal halfway through the afternoon, when Jisoo started to lag behind her and drag her leg instead of walking with her usual sway. Jisoo had brushed it off when Chaeyoung suggested they split their errands in two days, smiling and grabbing the heaviest box just to show she could. But the limping and the wincing left no doubt of how bad it's been.

Her chest feels heavy, each breath a more burdensome chore. It's been like this for a few weeks now, it's become worse each time Jisoo has a rough day.

Because it's her fault.

If Chaeyoung hadn't been in his office that day, if she hadn't fallen in love, if he hadn't been such a goddamn asshole...

Gritting her teeth against the things she can't change, Chaeyoung focuses on what she can change. She walks the distance from the kitchen to the living room, setting the heat pad on the coffee table along with one of the beers, popping her own open and taking a long swig from it. She hears shuffling upstairs, mumbled cursing and uneven footsteps – Jisoo had gone up to take some pills for her leg, after very shortly refusing to let Chaeyoung go grab them or do anything other than put her heating pad in the microwave for a couple minutes.

Even this, feels selfish.

It's not a brand new realization that she needs to come clear to Jisoo. It's not news to her that she should have sat down and talked to her and tried to explain her side of things, if Jisoo would even want to hear that. It's not just occuring to her that she should have done this a long time ago, before this friendship had turned into such a vital part of her life.

But Chaeyoung has put it off, for one reason or another.

At first, it was because they weren't even that close and what good would it do to lay something this heavy on someone who barely counted as a work colleague. Then, after a few nights drinking at a bar and talking shit about whoever they both happened to hate, it felt wrong, it didn't match the relationship they had. But then, Jisoo became a constant in Chaeyoung's life – a friend she could count on, a cheerleader she never thought she'd have, someone who would be there for her no matter what. She didn't want to jeopardize that.

Except she had to. She has to.

With another long swig from her beer, Chaeyoung tries to force the lump in her throat down. It doesn't surprise her when it grows instead, making it harder for her to breathe. It's happened before, when her emotions get the best of her, and her body reacts before she has the time to control it. This time, unlike oh so many other times, she can't pinpoint exactly what's making her feel like this – guilt, anger, fear, that feeling of selfishness that's been crawling up her spine like a very careful spider, something in between.

The label from her beer is nothing but a pile of shreds, resting on the coaster she's supposed to be using for the bottle, by the time Jisoo shuffles downstairs.