Fine Line || L.S.

I Should Have Kissed You

Lily and Harry moved outside once they finished their coffee, beginning a short walk through Harry's sprawling lawn, green and manicured despite it being January. Harry decided that, whether or not Lily liked it, she would hear all about him and Louis. He didn't know what else to talk about.

"I had never felt whatever it was I felt when I saw him for the first time," Harry said as Lily listened.

She was warming up to Harry wanting to talk to her about Louis-perhaps it was half curiosity-he never talked about it-and perhaps it was also that Harry was a great storyteller. She didn't love it at first, but it grew on her.

"And I'm serious," he looked at her, with faux seriousness. "I had never liked a boy before. I don't know if you've seen him in those old X-Factor videos. But he was just... kind of electric."

"I've seen them," Lily nodded, smiling, "I was also a teenager once."

Harry laughed, "Wow, even you?"

"Sue me," Lily sighs, but Harry continues.

"But, there was something about him, right? I was instantly attracted to him. And he was to me, too. He never let anyone say anything even remotely mean to me-if someone looked at me wrong he would be like, 'What did they do to you? Are you ok?' But you don't know where to put any of that attraction when you're a kid so for a while it was just like we were wrestling all the time and Louis was just screaming at anyone who breathed in my direction.

"I liked it at first, because I got to touch him, but then it got frustrating, because it was wrestling. Wrestling is the worst. I never stopped liking his defensiveness, though."

Lily laughed, "When was the first time you kissed?"

"It was actually after our second-to-last episode. You would think it would have happened sooner; we just didn't know what to do with ourselves," Harry continued. "It was confusing to feel like that about a person you had convinced yourself was 'just a friend.' We got kind of drunk on champagne, went back to his hotel room, and just made out."

"That's kind of embarrassing," Lily told him.

"I know," Harry sighed, "but I was sixteen. Making out is the pinnacle of all things when you're sixteen."

Harry seemed lost in thought for a moment, looking wistfully down at his feet as they walk. "But after that first time, we just sunk into it and we had, like, six months of this amazing togetherness. We bought a house in London and moved in together.

"We started recording Up All Night, and it all just kind of felt like a dream. This weird dream that I had when I was fourteen, that I became successful and fell in love and when I wake up, I'm successful and in love."

Harry remembered, to himself, the first time he and Louis slept together. It was the night after they made out for hours when they went back to the judges' houses. Harry told Louis to meet him in his bunk once the others went to bed, and, just like they planned, Louis climbed up into Harry's bunk around midnight, and a very awkward night of lovemaking ensued. Neither one of them had been with another guy, and Harry had never been with anyone. Despite this, Louis topped, both of them experiencing a lot of trial and error. Louis got off in what felt like seconds, but couldn't find Harry's prostate, so there was a very apologetic and worrisome blowjob at the end. Harry didn't mind at all, because he loved everything Louis would do and did.

"Whatcha thinking about there?" Lily asked slyly, watching Harry get further lost in thought.

Harry blushed, looking at her, "I think you know."

"Ew," Lily joked, elbowing Harry.

"Hey, at least I didn't share," he defended himself jokingly.

"At least?" Lily sarcastically exclaimed, looking at Harry.

"Oh, stop it. It was great," he said before he realized how it sounds.

"Again!" Lily exclaimed, "I don't need to know!"

"I didn't mean the sex!" Harry nearly cried. "I just meant everything. I didn't mean the sex."

Lily bumps into him softly as they walk, "Alright, keep going."

"So we record Up All Night, and we're really not sure about how popular we'll be. But people still like us, and I was just riding this incredible high. At this point, the other boys knew we were together, most of the people working directly with us did too, and it wasn't really an issue. Until this new hire came in, his name was Ben Gabbards, and he talked to Louis separately one day.

"Louis never really told me exactly what he said, I think he wanted to spare me, but it was along the lines of, 'No teenage girls will be fans of fags, and no parents will want their teenage girls to be fans of fags, and if you want to ever make it, you can't be gay.' I have a feeling it was a lot worse."

Lily watched Harry intently, feeling the sadness surrounding this that he still carries with him.

"It was terrible," Harry said quietly, "I had never seen him so defeated. He withdrew from me publicly; he would cry at night. It changed him. But he tried his best to still love me in private. And sometimes not so privately. I mean all of that tour was us being too affectionate on stage and then getting in trouble, Louis taking most of the blame, and rinse and repeat.

"He was on this strange plane of not wanting to be gay but also wanting to be so obviously gay, it was confusing for him. It was also confusing for me. But I know I didn't get the same amount of trouble from management. He always felt like he needed to protect me. Maybe he did."

They were silent for a little while, walking up a hill towards the end of Harry's property. Lily felt like she was getting to know a whole new side of Harry-a side that had been heavily guarded, partly by him and partly by Louis-a side that seemed so young and naïve. But the light in his eyes when he described that year was undeniable-she could remember few times when his face lit up like that.

"He took me on vacation when I turned seventeen. It was so fun. We went to New York City and did like a Valentine's thing-we got dinner and champagne, got a hotel with rose petals on the bed and a jacuzzi. He bought the whole thing and loved planning it, checking off things on our itinerary. We realized we were becoming famous that trip; more and more people were recognizing us. It was surreal."

Harry remembered the first time Louis finally found his prostate. He can't believe it's such a vivid memory-but it was on that birthday trip, on that rose petal bed, after a night of wandering the city. Sex up to then had been wonderful for both of them. Louis would get off every time, while Harry desperately shifted, waiting for him to finally hit that spot he heard so many good things about. They got into rimming and fingering more, but Harry always wished for Louis to finally find his prostate.

They were especially in tune that night, and Harry insisted on doing missionary despite Louis claiming it was easier for him to be on his stomach, and it was magical. Harry can still remember the feeling he had when Louis finally hit his spot.

"That sounds lovely," Lily told Harry.

"It was," Harry responded. "It was so lovely. I would live that year again if I could."