He does not know how much I love him

Tony

Tony had a terrible problem.

He loved Captain Steven Grant Rogers.

It had been more than a year since Reindeer Games walked in with his glowing cube and brought destruction on Manhattan.

He met his childhood hero. The man he had posters of, hidden away in an old dusty box. Captain America. They didn't get along.

He seemed righteous, loyal, full of justice, patriotic... And so freaking hot.

Oh yes. There was that. Steve was like perfection in a suit too tight to be legal. Broad shoulders and an amazing ass.

But that was in the beginning. By now, he had invited the entire team to move into Stark tower, and they were quite close. Maybe he had only invited them so Steve would be closer... Maybe... A little.

They had won many battles together, some easier than others. They had spent hours by each other's bedside after an injury, and days huddled on the couch to watch movies.

He had helped Steve to learn about the future, pushing his own needs aside to help the other man. He made him a phone especially for him. Extra easy to use. And in return a cake was put down in front of him a few days later.

He slowly learned what it was like to put someone else before himself.

It was rather liberating.

So soon he became very, very close friends with Steve. He would work on his suits and pretend he wasn't watching Steve draw in the corner.

He didn't know why he sat there when Tony had filled an entire room with all supplies any artist could want, and it had a gorgeous view over New York. But somehow he chose to spend his time down here. Well... Tony wasn't going to complain.

Even if the Captain only stayed to make sure he didn't screw anything up, again, he could pretend he was there because he sort of cared.

But he had a huge fucking problem now.

Steve was smart and hot.

A good man and a great storyteller.

All the reasons the entire planet wanted his attention. Even if it was just a second. Or a single night.

Tony didn't want just a second or a single night. He wanted to be together forever. Hold hands and go on date nights. The whole freaking package.

But he wouldn't get that. He would only get one sweet, teasing, and amazing night.

It's all Tony ever got.

So if that's all Tony would take. He wouldn't push the other man into something he didn't want. And Iron Man had learned a long time ago it was stupid to hope for more than he deserved.

One night Tony was home, and a bit tipsy. So he started flirting. Naturally. He had expected much. Except what happened afterwards.

It was amazing. Tony had loved it.

Being so close to the man he loved, for a little while he could pretend they were together.

So when Tony fell asleep not long after having sex, he slept better then he had in years. For a moment, for a brief, amazing, agonising, moment, he hoped.

He hoped Steve would maybe want more than just this one time thing. And he smiled in his sleep as he cuddled close to the other man's chest.

But then he woke up the next morning.

For a split second he couldn't remember what had happened the night before. But then it all came back.

And the bed was empty... He looked towards the bathroom hoping the light would be on. Even though he knew the answer already. The bed was cold after all.

Maybe he had dreamt it?

"J...? Last night...?"

He didn't even have to finish the question to get his AI to understand him.

"Captain Rogers left the bedroom after your activities approximately an hour after you had drifted off to sleep Sir." The British voice managed to sound both compassionate and a hint angry.

He crawled out of his bed and stumbled to the bathroom.

It was just a one time thing.

Steve wouldn't want him.
He barely managed to make it to the toilet on time.

And then it happened again.

The battle was horrible. It lasted for hours. They were exhausted. Both had had too many close misses to be healthy.

Pumped full of adrenaline they fell into bed together again.

And again, Tony woke up alone. His bed cold and his heart aching.

It became a thing.

After battles where one or the other had almost died, they would end up in bed together. Or a closet, or an empty conference room.

And afterwards, they would both pretend nothing happened and they were just friends.

Tony was slowly falling apart.

But he wouldn't stop. He would take whatever Steve would give him. He was just an egocentric asshole like that.

Besides, this whole friends with benefits thing they had going on would only last until Steve found someone to settle with anyway.

And maybe if he pretended to be glad with what was going on now, they could still be friends when that happened.

So be pretended he was happy. He flirted around a little and kept his playboy act up. His masks were more present then they had ever been. So much that even Pepper had thrown him a few worried looks already.

He ignored her. He was fine...

Everything was /fine/...

Until the Punching Bag Accident.

Tony had almost died in front of Steve. But the Captain had saved his life just in time. It scared him so much, the night that followed was filled with more emotion than ever before. From Tony's side of course.

For a moment he thought he would die without ever telling the other man how he felt. How much he loved him.

And then he woke up alone again.

He felt terrible.

So he spent hours in his workshop. Trying to forget his stupid emotions and burry them far far away.

It didn't work.

So he decided this was enough. He couldn't do this anymore. His heart was shattered so many times it felt as if only dust had remained.

He gathered every last inch of his courage and walked downstairs to the gym where Jarvis had told him Steve was working out.

Just as he walked in he heard the other door slam shut. Was Steve running from him...?

And then he saw the bag...

The punching bag with his picture attached to it.

The broken punching bag...

He sunk to his knees and let the tears he had held back for so long pour down his cheeks.

He buried his face in his hands as he kept wondering what he did wrong? What did he do to make Steve hate him so much?

And more importantly...

How would he fix it?