beautiful Life

this is all fakeness.

I stare at my reflection In the mirror.i applied light pink balm to my lips. I decided to style my hair simply straight. anyway, my hair is straight by nature. I don't take too much time to complete my daily routine dressing. I turn back and dart up my direction towards the nightstand and pick my phone.
with my phone into the hand. I make my way towards my bedroom door.I twist the bedroom door knob and make my way to downstairs. a question start to form in my head and I make a note of everything,I have managed to fuck up until this point.first I go to with my mom for fucking therapy.and i decide. today I will ask so many nonsense questions to the doctor that he himself refuse to treat me.
i scrambled in my thoughts.and I didn't notice, when I reach in living room.my mom approach me and she call out my name.
mom- Jenifer good morning my baby.
me- good morning.
mom-she gasps at me baby wow, baby you look very beautiful today.
me- I am wondering  this is not new for me, because my mom always great me every morning like this. she always appreciated my small things.I wondering I am not a small baby to treated me like this.i know I am obiviously not wise enough to make adult decision, but that's not mean I am small baby to treat me like this.
i know I want love, but reality I know this is only sympathy, and nothing else. nobody wants to love this bitch.everything is fake ness.
i rebuke my moronic thoughts.

mom please don't say this type of thing, I eternally accost, please don't say this type of thing.
i perceive, this all are pity.
you know very well, this all things give me pain.
I see towards my mom,
my mom unbend from the couch and take steps.sad eyes soak up my appearance as she carefully treads close to me. her arms wrap around me in comforting way. I didn't resist her, because I need it presently.
subconsciously I wrap my arm around her in return, and we stay like this for a moment in silence. and tears form on my eyes and I didn't resist to stop them. sobs overtook my body once again and small gasps left my lips.rugged breath come from my mouth as please.my body shakes in mom arms and she hushed me, whispering soft coos. baby what happened.
me- mom I am in pain.how many times I 've thought about ending it.... but I can't ..I need him.
i am not angry, I am in pain. everyone in my classmates misjudged me.
nobody love me.
mom the person who supposed to love me more than anything.....was nowhere to be found.
mom I need him.
please help me to find him.
and you supposed to help me to finding him.and you put me here.
mom- I need you to calm down.
me- no,no, no, I can't
I can't.
it hurts mom, please tell her I need him.
mom I need him.... please I beg you.
I don't need anything.any way nobody loves me, except him.
mom- baby calm down.
no,no,no, ......I can't.
it hurts.
please just make it stop... this feeling ..mom it hurts so much bad I can't breath.....I think I should not have to.
it's better I never wake up.
please tell her ....I need him.
I can't do.... this anymore.
in my school everyone bullying me.
mom...I need him... you know very well....he protect me.....he protect me from everything.
you know people....so many bad things say to me.... please...I beg you ...ah....ah....ah....( crying hard) sobs overtook my body once again  and I vigorously gasping.i stumble to my knees and my mom extend her arm in instinct...to catch me.
she help me to take towards couch.
mom make me sit on the couch.
and she gently sit beside me,his arms wrap around me tightly.
I can't hold her them back any longer under the circumstances.and I wrap my arms around in return.my arms drop down to my side but she continues to hug me longer.
my mom soothe me once more.... baby it's ok..... let people judge you.let them gossip about you. what they think of you isn't your problem.their opinion didn't pay your bill. so you stay kind, committed to love,and free in your authenticity, and no matter what they do or say.... never doubt you're worth or the beauty of your truth.you keep on shining and let the haters hate.
baby Jenifer you always remember I am with you, no matter how hard situation is.you are my  pretty beautiful baby.... and he will come back... don't loose hope.
baby stop crying. if you didn't discontinuation crying, I will crying too.
me- I resist to stop crying...I pathetically...wine like a baby.
mom I wish he know how much I love him.
how much I miss him...as long as he have be my side... but now he not  by my side... i break everyday...I feel lonely.
mom- he will be back... baby.
please... don't hurt yourself.
me-if i am not hurting myself...I am hurting everyone around me.
there is nothing I can do it.
mom please I don't want to go for any fucking therapy..... please understand..me.
if you really want to help me.... please help me to finding him.
you know I wake up every morning and I am in pain
I go to work in a pain.
you know how many times I have  I wanted to just give up.
how many times i' ve thought about ending it.
I just keep murmured softly..in mom arms.
and she.... shoothing me.
I feel started tired.i wrap my arms around my mom tightly.
I just keep murmuring...mom..i.need him..I need..him..I... need..him.