Wondering

Walls

I was surrounded by walls. I didn't let opinions hit me, I didn't care. People couldn't read me, I wasn't an open book. One time I let one person in. I didn't normally let people in and everyone knew that. Someone took that person from me and it broke me. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't even eat and for me that's something I didn't  know I could experience. Suddenly all comments about me started breaking the wall. I couldn't take them anymore. Even now I cry myself to sleep most of the nights because of what people said to me or about what they didn't. I start making up scenarios about what they think of me and I hurt myself. It's stupid but I can't help the way I think. I can't just turn my brain off. Believe me, I want to be able to do that so badly. Like wow. If I could just stop thinking it would be so nice. No more overthinking, damn. Then I could build up my walls again and I would be unstoppable. But there's no way that could happen. My brain is one big mess, a storage of so much chaos. I can't eplain what I think. I can't explain what I feel. People always want me to explain why I care so much about what others think and why I'm insecure. But I can't tell them because I don't know for myself. They think they understand because they're also insecure. But darling, you ain't as insecure as me. Do you think about what every breath from every person means? What it could mean about you? Do you want to hear every word they say, just to be sure it isn't about you?  Everything they laugh about can be about you but you will never know. You have to deal with the uncertainty. It keeps haunting you and you can do nothing to stop it. If you have that then yeah..you're as fucked up as me. All the walls are down.